Last night's outing settled it once and for all.
I'm a degenerate.
Let's start this story from the beginning, last weekend at the horse races.
My parents came to visit me all the way from Manitoba. That's about a 17 hour drive from there to Grande Prairie. For some fun family activities I decided to take them to go gamble on horse races, where they actually did fairly well for themselves. My friends also show up where I learn something major. A once in a lifetime show is coming to Grande Prairie...
A dwarf dancer. A tiny person tit-show.
A small person stripper.
This is the aptly named Tiny Tina
Right then and there, in front of my parents, it's decided.
We. Are. Going.
Let make it clear here, I wasn't bringing my parents, they were leaving town the next day, but all my friends and girlfriend were coming with me to this show. How could you not? This is something to be remembered forever, the time a pint-sized stripper came to Grande Prairie.
This was going to be huge, everyone knew it. But because this has been a fairly busy week I forgot all about it until Tuesday night. Someone said "Who's all going to see the midget stripper tomorrow?" and the room full of people erupted in jubilation. I especially was excited, and was probably the most enthused person there next to my girlfriend, who has a weird obsession with little people.
The excitement only grew over the next 24 hours.
I woke up in the morning thinking "It's tonight, it's finally here, I'm going to see dwarf dancer."
All day long at work I made plans and contacted people to see who was going, when, what the plan was, I was so excited to go. Some of my coworkers gave me a strong look of disapproval, but whatever, it's a strip show that you'll only get to see once. This is history we're talking about here!
I could hardly contain myself when I got this text from a friend at 4:15pm
"U will not beli8v3e who i just saw!!!!!! the midgit stripper just got off the plan at airport!"
Oh man oh man oh man.
So finally, around 8:30pm (the show started at 9:30) I had a crew together and we went to the strip club. We were all just stoked!
And we get there, we each get drinks and settle in. We're not in perv-row, the seats right up against the stage, but we're pretty close. About as close as you can get and still sit down. The place was packed! I'd never seen so many people at the club before, and they literally had to turn people away at the door.
I'm quite certain that the strip-joint had never even heard of the word 'Capacity' before last night.
And as we're sitting there, the announcer says something terrible,
and it hits me like a 120 pound midget thrown in a dwarf tossing competition,
That is exactly what I came to see, and that makes me a terrible person.
So then Tiny Tina takes to the stage in a little (no pun intended) schoolgirl outfit and does her show.
The way I can best describe her performance is through this quote from Seth Rogen in The 40 Year Old Virgin:
It was like that. I was all, "Yeah! Let's see a midget stripper!" and then I got there and it was a midget stripping. I'm glad I saw it, it had to be seen, but I dunno what to think now. I guess it was just kind of awkward. People were laughing.
But otherwise, she just wasn't that great of a stripper. She didn't work the poles, she didn't play any stripper games, it wasn't a very good show. 6 out of 10 at best!
She did, proportionally speaking, have a very nice bum and toned body though. So extra points for that.
Anyway, if Tiny Tina comes to your town, be sure to check her show out. It has to be seen.
A small person stripper.
This is the aptly named Tiny TinaRight then and there, in front of my parents, it's decided.
We. Are. Going.
Let make it clear here, I wasn't bringing my parents, they were leaving town the next day, but all my friends and girlfriend were coming with me to this show. How could you not? This is something to be remembered forever, the time a pint-sized stripper came to Grande Prairie.
This was going to be huge, everyone knew it. But because this has been a fairly busy week I forgot all about it until Tuesday night. Someone said "Who's all going to see the midget stripper tomorrow?" and the room full of people erupted in jubilation. I especially was excited, and was probably the most enthused person there next to my girlfriend, who has a weird obsession with little people.
The excitement only grew over the next 24 hours.
I woke up in the morning thinking "It's tonight, it's finally here, I'm going to see dwarf dancer."
All day long at work I made plans and contacted people to see who was going, when, what the plan was, I was so excited to go. Some of my coworkers gave me a strong look of disapproval, but whatever, it's a strip show that you'll only get to see once. This is history we're talking about here!
I could hardly contain myself when I got this text from a friend at 4:15pm
"U will not beli8v3e who i just saw!!!!!! the midgit stripper just got off the plan at airport!"
Oh man oh man oh man.
So finally, around 8:30pm (the show started at 9:30) I had a crew together and we went to the strip club. We were all just stoked!
And we get there, we each get drinks and settle in. We're not in perv-row, the seats right up against the stage, but we're pretty close. About as close as you can get and still sit down. The place was packed! I'd never seen so many people at the club before, and they literally had to turn people away at the door.
I'm quite certain that the strip-joint had never even heard of the word 'Capacity' before last night.
And as we're sitting there, the announcer says something terrible,
"Who came here to SEE A LITTLE PERSON DANCE?!?!"
and it hits me like a 120 pound midget thrown in a dwarf tossing competition,
That is exactly what I came to see, and that makes me a terrible person.
So then Tiny Tina takes to the stage in a little (no pun intended) schoolgirl outfit and does her show.
The way I can best describe her performance is through this quote from Seth Rogen in The 40 Year Old Virgin:
Oh, man. I had a weekend. We went down to, uh, Tijuana, Mexico, ya know. And there was this guy there and he was all, "Hey, you gotta come and check out one of these shows." And, you know, it's a woman fuckin' a horse. And you're thinking "Oh, a woman fuckin' a horse!" And you get there, and it is not as a great as you thought it would be. It's kinda gross. I mean, it was really givin' it to her. To be honest, we all just felt bad for her. Kinda felt bad for the horse.
It was like that. I was all, "Yeah! Let's see a midget stripper!" and then I got there and it was a midget stripping. I'm glad I saw it, it had to be seen, but I dunno what to think now. I guess it was just kind of awkward. People were laughing.
But otherwise, she just wasn't that great of a stripper. She didn't work the poles, she didn't play any stripper games, it wasn't a very good show. 6 out of 10 at best!
She did, proportionally speaking, have a very nice bum and toned body though. So extra points for that.
Anyway, if Tiny Tina comes to your town, be sure to check her show out. It has to be seen.
And that's all I have to say about that.
John Lennon - Working Class Hero
John Lennon - Working Class Hero
5 comments:
Yes, sometimes you just have to know. Like Joe Rogan said, you don't want to be eighty and wondering what the look on the donkey's face was.
what did flat Jake think?
wow. um, WOW. i am glad i saw the picture, and that i read your story, but i don't think i really need to see the show! hilarious, tho!!!!
I'm disappointed she didn't work the pole or play any games! I guess she thought that being a Little Person Stripper was a novelty in itself and she didn't have to work for it if you know what I mean. However, I'd still watch if Tiny Tina came to Winnipeg!
One beats the bush, and another catches the bird.
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