Tuesday, 11 December 2012

How I Scarred My Children

I’ve been watching a LOT of “How I Met Your Mother” lately. Like… a ton of it; I’d say an hour and a half a day.

It’s entertaining enough as sitcoms go but I’ve started to notice something that I missed out on the first time I saw some of these episodes…

Ted is a major perv. 

In case you haven’t seen the show, I’ll quickly rehash the premise. Ted is the main character who is telling his teenage kids how he met their mother (his wife). This happened in our present day, so all of his stories are about himself in his late 20s to early 30s and what he and his friends got up to in New York.

Over the course of several seasons Ted has told his kids hundreds of stories, many of which seem to bear little to no relevance to the overarching story, and most of which are REALLY dirty.

Allow me to summarize some of the highlights he's told his two kids:
Hey kids, did I ever tell you about the time your Aunt Robin and I had crazy sex every time we thought we might have an argument? 

Hey kids, did you know your Uncle Barney lost his virginity to an old cougar? And did you also know Barney’s older brother traded sexual favours with her in order to get that woman to sleep with Barney? 

Hey Kids, have you heard about our doppelganger theory? All of us have an identical twin out there, and your aunt Lily’s is a stripper we paid for multiple dances!

You know kids…At that ceremony where my first wife left me... your Uncle Barney had a three-way with the bride’s sister and one of the hotel’s employees. 

Come here kids, and listen a while! Here's the tale of the time I slept with a woman and her boyfriend walked in on us! 
Seriously, this is what he’s telling his children. But it's okay, Ted has morals and draws the line on what he tells his kids. He won’t swear, or repeat language in which people swear. What a relief!

And although there’s lots of drinking, smoking, adultery, occasional theft, vandalism, public nudity, and more, he will NOT tell his kids that they smoked marijuana. Instead, he’ll tell them they ate sandwiches. Such as: Ted ate so many sandwiches that he got the munchies! It's a good thing teenagers have never heard of weed or they might figure out what he meant when he says "Sandwiches."

So Ted Mosby, you keep right on creeping your children out. I’m sure your wife, whoever she is, will really appreciate all of these character building stories you’re telling them. Oh, and speaking of his wife I forgot a classic Ted story!
 Hey kids, did I tell you about the time I banged your mom’s old college roommate?