Wrong Phone Number

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SALTY LANGUAGE AND INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT MATERIAL

Kids really like text messaging these days. They all do it all the time. I once even heard a rumour that some teenage girl sent a text message to her friend immediately after getting into a serious car accident rather than calling 911*.

*Citation needed.

The problem with texting? If you send a message to the wrong person, you can't really tell unless you're paying attention.

I got a strange text out of the blue on Wednesday just before I was heading out to the bar for wing night. I've got some really colourful friends who like to send weird messages to me, so naturally I just figured it was someone screwing with me:

Stranger: umm we were talking too ur dog it gavebus the finger...
Me: I don't own a dog
Stranger: yes u do i saww
Me: What breed, size, and colour?
Stranger: chihuahua small tanned

I was getting confused at this point. So rather than ask who it was I was speaking with, I decided to play it cool...

Me: The last chihuahua I saw was two years ago, two provinces away, and reddish black. You need to lay off the smack
Stranger: ur a douchebag
Me: Absolutely!
Stranger: u should date kiki and u have i dog i could hear him barking and u said owen be quiet

Suddenly, I'm smacked with the realization that isn't anyone I know. So the only option here is I must continue to screw with person!

Me: Looks aside, why should I date kiki?
Stranger: bcz u guys both like eachother and dont u noo because u no its true...
Me: Yeah, I guess, but there's other people I'm into too.
Stranger: whoo? u should bcz were budss.. and also u like kiki ahaha...

It's time to take this play right into left field...

Me: Well, I've been thinking a lot lately, you know, about Kiki, but I think I might like dudes too
Stranger: totallly... really i nou klike chickss.
Me: I'm serious! I'm so confused, what do I do?
Stranger: kiki
Me: That doesn't feel right though.
Stranger: ur just saying that

Uh oh, looks like I'm starting to lose this guy!

Me: No I'm not! >:( Can I tell you a secret?
Stranger: suree
Me: You can't tell anyone. Promise?
Stranger: Yeeeess
Me: I watched gay porn two nights ago. I got off to it.... (a few minutes later)
Me: You can't tell anyone!
Stranger: uhhh.... i dont know what to say!!! fuck thaattt
Stranger: ur in love with fuckin guys

This about an hour and half of texting back and forth, and by now I've made it to the bar where all my friends start getting in on this texting action, and we collaboratively start screwing with this guy.

Me: Maybe I should bang Kiki and find out for sure if I'm a homo.
Stranger: Yeeee
Stranger: when i asked u out did u think that was stupid but now i'm dating mido

Oh ho ho! So 'He' is really a 'She!' This changes EVERYTHING. Now it's time for the finishing maneuver; I'm going to get this girl to go over to her friend's house where he'll be confused as shit about the whole thing when she starts asking about his sexuality.

Me: You're really cute, and so is Mido. I think you should come over so we can talk about this
Stranger: what do u mean..
Me: I just need to talk in person
Stranger: noo i don't friggin trust u and kiki is my friend.
Me: What do you mean you don't trust me? I just want someone to talk to.

At this point, my phone starts ringing. It's the person I've been texting. It's time to cut this conversation off, despite everyone telling me to continue messing with this girl...

Me: Hello?
Her: Hi...Is Nathan there?
Me: *laughing* Na, Nathan's not here. You had the wrong number this whole time, we've just been screwing with you.
Her: *click*

So we all have a good long laugh over this and continue with our previous plans of eating chicken wings and drinking. But just before I completely put the joke to rest, I send one last message to let this kid know it was all in good humour.

Me: Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but that was too funny. Tell Nathan I say hi.

She replies back:

Stranger: who the fuck are u

I didn't respond because the joke was over... Until...

Stranger: tell nathan i could hear him in the background and thaat nice joke really it was hilarious...

Uh-oh, this has gotten out of hand. So then I receive yet another phone call from a different number. At first we ignore it, but this person keeps calling. Finally I just grab the phone, and you won't believe who it is...

Me: Hi, who is this?
Her: This is Kiki.
Me: Ohhhh, Hi Kiki!
Kiki: My friend told me I should call you about Nathan.
Me: Oh yeah? What about?
Kiki: They say he watches gay porn all the time
Me: That was just one time! And he's not actually gay
Kiki: I didn't think so
Me: Yeah, it was all just a joke, you guys had the wrong number. You should really go talk to your friend Nathan
Kiki: Yeah...
Me: We think Nathan really likes you!
Kiki: Really!?!
Me: Yeah, you two should totally date
Kiki: Cool!
Me: Okay Kiki, you have a good night, and be sure to let everyone know it was just a joke
Kiki: Okay, bye.
Me: Bye!

Hopefully Nathan and Kiki start dating, it'd be great if that was the outcome of this whole shebang.

I should start a Prank Caller Match Making service or something.

Dragon Fli Empire - Outside Inn

Snack Exchange, part Duex

Last Monday I received another snack exchange, and this time it was from across the ocean.

I set one up with a dude from New South Wales in Australia this time. Here's what I got:


A bottle of Mango hot sauce, a package of coffee from his parent's farm, a delicous marshmallow chocolate snack, and a pack of honey roasted macadamia nuts.

The macadamias were pretty good, but that chocolate bar snack was amazing. I normally share my snacks, but I really limited how much of the marshmallow thing I gave out. I wish I had* 100 more of them.

I haven't had a chance to use the hot sauce yet, and I keep forgetting to bring home that coffee to try, but from the way it smells, it's gonna be a good one.

On a sidenote, I looked at the packaging, and it cost 28 bucks to air mail from Australia, which took less than two weeks to get here.

Compare that to the nearly ninety dollars it cost for me send a fairly light surface mail package to Australia.

Not cool Canada Post. Not cool.

*Thanks for the grammar catch Ashley

Pan-demic!

Tuesday was a real roller coaster of emotion for me. I hit highs and lows in my life that most people have to take drugs and go through multiple jail and rehab visits to achieve.

I'm looking at you Charlie Sheen.

The Co-op grocery store has had this promotion going on for the past two or three months where you get one sticker for every ten dollars you spend at their store. You collect these stickers, and once you get a certain amount, you'll get free pots and pans.


I was gunning for 50 stickers, the lowest amount, because I don't consume a lot of groceries. So for me $500 of groceries over a two month period is pretty realistic. What I was going to get with my stickers was teeny tiny one-egg frying pan. It'd be quite useless, but it was the principle of the thing.

My coworkers however got wind of this and said that they'd start pooling their stickers into mine so I could get a sweet pan. I already had 40 stickers of my own, and the numbers were quickly shored up all the way 90, which meant I could get a sick-ass stir fry pan.



I was elated! Finally, I'd get a free pan of my very own. Obviously it was also ten bajillion times better than that crappy one egg pan.

I put the sheet with all the stickers on it in my pocket, safely tucked away, and waltzed to the grocery store with a joyful disposition reserved solely beautiful sunny days when everything is going your way.

“I'll just pick up some groceries before I get my free pan.” I announced to myself.

I got all the essentials to make some tasty tacos for dinner that night. I could hardly wait to start frying up the hamburger meat (I bought the good stuff too) with my new pan. I rushed through my shopping list, eager to claim my prize and go back to work where everyone could bask in the glory of my hard earned skillet.

I cued up in line, and started to pat the pocket in which I stowed my stickers.

“Huh, that's funny...” I remarked. The pocket seemed to be empty. I quickly checked my other pocket.

It wasn't there either.

“Uh oh.” I frowned. I started patting my pants all over, madly searching for the wayward sticker sheet.

“Shit shit shit!” I cried aloud, at which point an old lady frowned at me.

I sighed loudly. I was just going to have to accept the fact that I'd lost all those stickers. Everyone at work had helped me collect them, and I'd buggered it up. What was I going to tell them?

I trudged back to the radio station, groceries in tow, head hung low.

“I lost the stickers.” I admitted to my fellow writer Raj. “I don't what happened, they just disappeared.”

“What?!” He shouted “How could you do that!?”

He quickly called his friend who happens to manage the co-op and asked her to keep an eye out for it. Meanwhile, I was moping in my office, looking at my second sticker sheet. It only had ten stickers. There were only two more weeks left to get stickers and cash in on a free pan. At that rate, I wasn't even going to get a crappy one-egg frying pan.

But then something amazing happened! Raj's friend found the sticker sheet! Some good Samaritan had found it in the grocery store, and turned it in to customer service! I expected it to be long gone, especially since it was worth a brand-new pan, and anyone could have cashed it in.

So I strode back to the store, and excitedly waited in line.

Then the cashier said “Congratulations, you just got your free pan.”

And then that night I made the best tacos ever.


The End.

North Country Fair 2010

I'm back from North Country Fair, and how was it you ask?

I don't even know where to start explaining how amazing this weekend was.

For starters, it's a music festival in someone's cow pasture, which actually happens to be in this little valley with a river. Just a tiny oasis of awesomeness really. I don't know how many people were there, but here's a photo of Friday morning...

and here's Saturday night.

This is only a 1/4th of the total campground. Imagine this, but completely surrounding you.

I didn't take too many photos because I didn't want to ruin the magic, but here's a few of some random stuff.


North Country Fair was the bee's knees. I can honestly say I've never experienced anything else like it. Great music, lots of fun, all sorts of interesting people, lots of neat things to see, do, and take part in...it was all just so surreal to find something like this in the middle of nowhere. Not only that, but this fair has been going years, at least since 1980 as far as I can figure.

You can bet I'm going back next year, and taking as many people as I know with me. Because this photo right here...

...is what it's all about.

Just relax, and soak in the good vibes.

Gone Campin'

I'm off to North Country Fair today, a three day non-stop music festival. I'm quite stoked actually. Last year I had to miss it because I just bought my car and was intensely broke.

All my friends say it's a real rocking time, and some the Travel Alberta website describes it as a “Bohemian Extravaganza” and is “Woodstock all over again.”


Now I've never been to Woodstock, but I do know some people who drive their VW Mini-buses only once a year specifically for this event. And if there's one stereotype perpetuated about Woodstock, it's that everyone arrived there in Volkwagens.

Obviously not Woodstock

Anyway, check back on Monday for photos and tales of my exploits.

That is, provided I make it back.

The Black Keys - Your Touch

Cell Phone Abuse

I have a few weaknesses in life. My 'Kryptonite,' or 'Achilles Heel' if you will, seems to be hot tubs and cellphones.

This year I've had the good fortune to be able to go hot tubbing on a regular basis, especially since my friend bought a new house that came with a tub of his very own.

Unfortunately though, I'm really really bad with cellphones, and I've been on a real heater this year of destroying my cellulars. Since January I've gone through three different phones, most recently this past Saturday night.

Here's they all kicked the bucket:

Cellphone #1 – After having my first ever cell-phone and taking good care of it for a little over a year, I came home one day needing to do laundry. So I ran downstairs quick as I could to the laundry room, threw all my pants in the wash and said,

“I have nowhere to be this evening, so I'll just wash these pants I'm wearing as well.”

I promptly tore my jeans off and threw them in the washing machine, put the detergent in, and turned it on.

“Ha ha!” I exclaimed, rubbing my hands together in joy, “All of my pants will soon be clean and smell bright as a spring bouquet of flowers!”

So I went upstairs in my underwear and after a delicious meal of cold and soggy leftover Kraft Dinner, I proceeded to call my friend. This turned out to be quite difficult as my cellphone was currently in the process of being thoroughly cleaned with inexplicably filthy pants (I swear, I'm like an 8 year-old child sometimes. I just seem to be able to get dirty no matter what)

Cellphone #2 – I had been invited to a hot tub party, and I said to myself just before taking my shirt off and starting to mix martinis,

“I'm going to leave my cellphone right here, inside the house, so I won't damage it.”

But sure enough, one bottle of gin later, my friends are telling me to get on the phone and start inviting more people to the hot tub.

“Shurrr, no problem!” I slurred “I'll jusht go get my shellulalar.”

This time, my cellphone stayed clear of the water, but after a while we lost track of it, and just assumed it had fallen off the deck.

In the morning however we discovered my phone sitting on the ledge of the hot tub. It had been sealed in when we closed the lid , and left it to a cruel fate of slowly being steamed to death. Needless to say, it fried.

Cellphone #3 – There's no witty reminiscing here. I just just flat out got drunk and didn't empty the pockets in my board shorts. Now the screen is filled with water, and with the addition of a few small plastic fish it would look exactly like this:


I really need to just leave my cell phone at home since staying out of and away from hottubs isn't an option. Perhaps, I should invest in one of these bad boys:


Not only is the Sonim XP1 waterproof, but also bullet-proof! If anyone tried shooting me in the ear while I was talking on the phone they'd be in for nasty surprise!

Anyway, while I wait for a new phone to get to me, I guess I'll just enjoy doing my old classic move, using everyone else's phones and telling people to just call my friends if they need to find me.

If you can't find me, well screw you. I didn't want to talk to you anyway.

Review: Splice

Last night I went to see a movie that had really intrigued me ever since I caught the previews three weeks ago,

Splice

It's a film starring Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley, two successful bio-engineers who have created the world's first animal hybrids by splicing the DNA with lots of different animals.


Their first creations look like undulating masses of pink crap, but apparently are useful for deriving medical anti-bodies or something to help make livestock and humans healthier.

The company that sponsors their work wants to completely shift the focus of Adiren and Sarah's research to increase profits, and in a rebellious fit, they create human/animal hybrid.

Sure enough, it works, they hatch a screwed up looking critter, and as you've probably already guessed, it turns from being a cute little science project to nightmarish monster.

All I can really say about Splice, is that it's really uncomfortable to watch. I don't mean uncomfortable like Saw or Hostel is to watch, I mean it's unsettling. I squirmed in my seat and at one point covered my eyes because shit started getting weird.
After the movie was over I felt like I had been violated. I still feel a little violated actually, and now that post-rape sadness I hear all about it setting in. If you can imagine how you'd feel after watching a grown man shave all his body hair off in the shower, clutching a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, while crying and singing "All by Myself" by Eric Carmen you'll start to get an idea of how weirded out desecrated you're going to feel after watching Splice.

Not only that, but the movie was kind of boring at some parts. There was a solid twenty minutes of this film where I thought about getting up and leaving. The film really went nowhere fast for a good portion.

And there's a few scenes obviously meant to be tragic, or have you jump, and I just laughed. With a slightly different music score and couple reshoots, you could have just named this movie,

"Better off Ted: The Movie" because that's quite literally what it seemed like.

On a sidenote, if you haven't seen Better off Ted yet, go watch it. It's hilarious. Too bad it got canceled like all good shows do these days.

Overall I award Splice:

4/10

The Positives: The special effects were pretty good, Dren (the human/animal splice) is really well done. Later in the movie a heavily make-upped actress takes over for the CG version and her costuming was excellent.
I liked Adrien Brody too, who played the role of a hapless scientist dragged into an experiment he wants no part of perfectly. Sarah Polley? Didn't care for her. She deserved what happens to her at the end of the film.

The Cons: It gave me the jibblies. Seriously. If you need an example of how creepy it was, think the rape scene in Deliverance times ten.

Also, the story is really dragged out. The entire movie could been condensed down to a forty minute episode of The Outer Limits, a really good episode of the Outer Limits too actually. It's not that the plot wasn't interesting, there just wasn't enough of it to keep you anywhere near the edge of your seat.

I wouldn't recommend Splice to everyone. Pretty much the only people I can think of that would get serious enjoyment out of this movie are fetishists and soft-core horror film lovers. Those people are usually the one and the same actually.

Kid Cudi - Day 'n' Night

Stop Drop and Get Nostalgic

Today I received a package in the mail from Assiniboine Community College, where I went to media school.

Inside was a shirt with the college's station logo on it. It just so happens that CJ106 is the very first station I ever went on the air with. If I remember correctly I completely bombed and made a jackass of myself; Not that making a jackass of myself is anything out of the ordinary.

My radio instructor sent this to me after she asked for a quick little voice over from me where I'd state my name, station, and job title. Apparently there's a commercial playing on CJ106 with me in it now, and my friends who heard were quite excited to tell me about it.

So this got me in a reflective mood, and I thought I'd share a few things from my college radio days. Here's the poster from my very own radio show "Stop, Drop, and Rock" which I co-hosted for two seasons.

Here's a god-awful commercial I made for season 1. I know it's hard to believe, but now I do this for a living.



Below is another commercial, this one from the second season. Aside from technical issues, is much better, and demonstrates my honest-to-goodness hatred for apples.



At the time, I thought my show was the bee's knees! Especially when we ended the second season with a 24 hour radio show. That was one long train wreck, and I'm pretty sure I fell asleep a few times. But you know what I discovered during that day-long show? Iced Tea mix makes an awesome replacement for coffee sugar!

Looking back on it now I'm surprised I have a job in radio at all. But that's how it goes right? Pretty much anyone can look back at what they did in college and say one of two things:
A) "What was I thinking?"
and
B)"How much was drinking?"

The answer to both of those questions are directly related!

A) You weren't thinking.
B) You weren't thinking because you were drinking.
C) Because you were drinking you weren't too worried about the thinking.

Finally, one more note:

I never handed in my final papers after practicum to get my diploma (sorry Bob). I'm not %100 sure if I even have a diploma, but I think this t-shirt counts as proof of an accredited media degree.

Employers will buy that one, right?

Pizza Graduation

I've pretty much perfected my thin crust pizza recipe. My roommates and friends all seem to enjoy being treated my brand of homemade pizza, so that speaks positive things about my cooking.
The beer-crust pizza I make isn't really going to get any better than it is already, so I felt it was finally time to take the big step and make a thick crust pizza.

I used the first recipe I found online, which was mistake number one.

It just wasn't very good, too dry I found. I won't even share it here because it was such a waste of time.

But here's the dough after I let it rise for a period of time.

Then I flattened it out and it surprisingly made the perfect amount of dough to construct a deep dish crust.


Then because I had some homemade meat sauce left over from a friend's visit this weekend I laid that down, then I put down a layer of mozza. Another friend dropped the hint that I should put the cheese on before the meat. It really made perfect sense, especially since I always prebake my pizza crust.

So I baked the base for 10-13 minutes, laid down the salami, pepperoni, some more cheese, and called it a day.


Because my dinner guest couldn't make it til' later this pizza spent a significantly longer time in the oven baking at a low temp than I had intended, but it didn't turn out too bad.

Overall, not bad for my first ever thick crust. But the dough was too heavy. It didn't fluff up at all or expand that much in the oven. So if anyone has any tips or ideas how to make a fluffier, lighter thick crust pizza dough, I'm all ears.

K-OS - The Seekwill



EDIT: It's come to my attention that I should have perhaps shared my Beer-Crust Pizza recipe, here's what I've found works best:

BEER CRUST PIZZA

SERVES 4-6 PEOPLE OR 1 REALLY DEPRESSED PERSON

INGREDIENTS:
3/4 cup of beer (preferably not light beer, I like to use Moosehead Lager or Guinness)
1/4 tsp. granulated sugar
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp. salt
Olive Oil
Pizza sauce or Tomato sauce
Mozza Cheese
Meat, vegetables, whatever your toppings are


1) Mix the sugar and beer together in one bowl seperately.
2) Put the flour and salt in a separate bowl, and then pour the sugar/beer in.
3) Work the mixture until it becomes fairly even dough. If it's too sticky, add more flour, if it's falling apart, add more beer. You'll know when you have a happy medium.
4) Take a large cookie sheet, and spread olive oil on it, especially on the side walls of the pan because this a really bad spot for dough to become stuck.
5) Put the dough on the cookie sheet, and spread it out as thinly as possible to all corners of the pan.
6) Spread your Sauce out on the base, and sprinkle any spices like oregano or basil you want on there.
7) Put your mozza cheese on top of the sauce, right to the edges of the dough.
8) Pop that base in the oven at 400 degrees for 12 minutes.
9) Take it back out, put your toppings on (meat, mushrooms, whatever), put a light sprinkling of cheese on it again, and bake that pizza for 20-25 minutes at 400 degrees.
10) You'll know it's done when the cheese is crispy on top.

Depending on how many toppings you put on the pizza may need longer in the over to get a crispier crust. It's a little different each time you make it depending on the beer you use, so you'll just have to make lots of pizza and figure out what works best for you.

Hillbilly Theatre Feature

I've been pretty nut-ball crazy the past few days, which explains the lack of updating.

So for the sake of getting things back on the ball, here's another addition of Hillbilly Theatre!

This is going to be a tough one, so the first person to guess both movies correctly receives TWO MILLION INTERNET POINTS!!1!

So, let the games begin!