Summer Fun in a Dimly Lit Room

Continuing with the theme of movies, I want to discuss this year's Summer Blockbuster Line-up.

At my current job I get to go see movies for free at the poor-people's theatres, a fact which I love to lord over all the other poor people in line with me.
Usually I flash my pass, and when the movie people say,
"Oh Mr. Hammell, it's good to see you again! Will you be enjoying the vampire movie or the gun fight film this evening?"

"Well my good man" I'll reply "I think I shall try the children's film tonight."

"Excellent choice Mr Hammell, go right on in."

Then I turn around and flash everyone else in line the finger.

This is how my Tuesday or Thursday nights are usually spent, sometimes I go and see a movie TWO times a week. But never two movies a week on the same night. That's just excessive. So with my newfound movie-going freedom I plan on catching as many summer movies as possible. Unfortunately though I can't get in for free at the rich people theater where tickets are like ten bucks. They laugh and throw bread crumbs at me when I try to get in there.

So I have to wait a week or two for the movies to change theatres, sometimes up to a month! But that's okay, where I grew up the new movies didn't get to the closest theatre until about two months after release, sometimes three. I remember one time the movie had come out on VHS before the film got to the theatre. Good times, Good times.

Anyway, here's the list of big movies I'm completely stoked to see followed by a list of ones that will be huge but that I won't see.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine, by far the baddest of the X-Men badasses, now has his own prequel. I've heard some rumblings that maybe it won't be as good, but what-the-fuck-ever. Wolverine has always been a favourite X-Men of mine, and the X-Men movie series has been really good in my opinion. The first movie was a bit shakey, it's obvious it needed to break ground on the film series, and it did just that and still managed to make a completely enjoyable film. The next two movies were great! Yeah they screwed up some of the mutants stories and powers for the purpose of cinema adaptation, but for the most part you can tell they tried their best to make a movie that would work for everyone.

This particular movie is going to cover Wolverine's past, and his involvment with the secretive Weapon X program. It's going to rock, especially if they stick to the formula the previous two movies have developed. Also, it'll feature fan-boy favourite Deadpool played by Ryan Reynolds, who'll be perfect for the role.

Anticipation Level: Totally Stoked

Star Trek

I know, I know, I'm being a giant nerd here, but come on! Star Trek! The Star Trek series has sucked since Next Generation ended, and none of the movies were all that great. I mean, they were good, but no better than a decent episode of the TV Show. This movie hopes to change that. It's given old man William Shatner the boot (which is understandable, as much as I love the guy he's not fit & trim Captain Kirk anymore) and completely recast the crew of the Starship Enterprise. I question the decision to have Zachary Quinto (of Heroes fame) as Spock. I don't think he fits the role. He doesn't really resemble the Vulcans from Star Trek all that much, and I didn't realize it until one of my roommates pointed it out ot me, but he looks really creepy, all the time.
But for better or for worse, this is a movie I'm going to have to see.

Anticipation Level: Tentavily Stoked

Terminator: Salvation

Yeah yeah, more geek stuff. Laugh it up. I haven't really been following the press on this one, but I have seen a few of the movie stills, and it looks great. If there's one thing that's sure to make Jake Hammell like a movie, it's time travel. I definitely dig the whole time travel paradox stuff, and this movie is rife with it. Secondly, it's a post-apocaliyptic film, and that shit is always cool. If nothing else this movie will be a special effects masterpice filled with explosions and gunfights.

Anticipation Level: Pretty Stoked

Inglorious Basterds

Setting: World War 2
Characters: Angry American Jews
Plot: Let's go screw up some Nazis in a fucked up fashion
Director: Quentin Tarantino

Need I say more?

Anticipation Level: Super Stoked

Now here's a list of movies I will not be seeing, and the reasons why.

Land of the Lost

I'm sorry Will Ferrel, I really am. But I think we have to break up. You were funny in Anchorman, I loved you in Step Brothers, and I thought you were funny in Talladega Nights. I even had a good laugh during Blades of Glory. But I don't want to see you in a kids movie. I own Elf, I don't know why, but I do. But this is too much. It's time for you to go back to funnyordie.com and do comedy there, or do more suppourting roles rather than leads.

Unless it does turn out to be alright. I wouldn't mind some light-hearted Will Ferrel comedy to soothe my sorrowful soul.

Anticipation Level: Stoked less than a frozen steam locomotive

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

I used to like the Transformers. A lot. My favourite Transformers movie: The animated 80s version where Optimus Prime dies in the first ten minutes. He gets shot to hell, and the rest of the movie has the Autobots barely surviving. In fact at the end they were lucky to end up ahead at all. Now that's a movie for kids to watch!
But kids shouldn't watch this crap with Shia LaBouef. I hate Shia. Hate Hate Hate him. And the last Transformers movie was awful. It said Transformers right in the title, but you barely saw the robots! I've said this before, but the title should seriously be called:

"Shia LaBouef's Big Day Out featuring The Transformers"

I want more robots, I want more robot violence, and I want Shia LaBouef to die a horrible death in the first ten minutes of the sequel. But he won't. So I'm glad I downloaded the first movie and didn't pay for it, and I'm not even going waste my time thinking anymore thoughts about Revenge of the Fallen. I'm not even going to see it to stare at Megan Fox.

You may all pick your jaws up from the floor now. I'm serious about not seeing this movie.

And yeah, I know I spelled Shia's last name wrong. Coming from a person whose last name gets misspelled all the time, I don't care, and he can go to hell.

Anticipation Level: If by Stoked I mean "Raging Angry" than yeah, I'm fucking stoked for this movie.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I've seen three of the five movies that have come out so far, this will make it a sixth. I love the books. They're a fun, easy read. The plot is decent, but nothing too phenomenal. It was the universe and style of of the books that kept me interested. The cast of the books is wide and varied, and they're all very intruiging characters with complicated back stories and have lots to say. The interaction between them in the books is great, and the narrative is really enjoyable. I really really like the books.

That said, I hate the movies. I will actually reduce the amount movies I've seen from three to 2.5 on account of how much time I've spent actually paying attention to the movies while watching them. The movies, for the sake of time, cut out everything I like from the books. The main story's there, but it's been pared down and shaved away so badly that all that's left is something similar to when you compare a grape to a raisin. I don't want raisins, I want grapes (figuratiely speaking). What's left when they condense the books into films isn't palatable in teh slightest. Lots of people like them and love them, but they're just not for me.

Anticipation Level: So UnStoked I'll punch anyone in the stomach that asks me to go this movie.

Dance Flick

Good god. Another parody movie? Besides stoners and 13 year old boys who are hoping for a boob shot, who keeps going to these? Shame on any of you reading this who aren't either a stoner or a thirteen year old boy for seeing these movies. Click on that image above and tell me that the poster doesn't scream "THIS MOVIE IS A STEAMING PILE OF CRAP." There's a dancing baby wearing comically oversized shades, an upside down guy who's landed on his head, some actor wearing a button saying "I Love White Chicks," and all that amongst other 'hilarious' crap. I'm willing to hedge bets that more than half of the jokes in the movie are alluded to in this poster. Jokes such as sets collapsing, racial tensions, teenage pregnancy, overweight girls dancing, and slipping while dancing. I should see this movie just to see if I'm right about my predictions.

Anticipation Level: I'm not stoked. Just more astonished at yet another parody movie coming out. Do they really expect to gross more than they spent making this movie? That must be the explanation for all the straight up B-List actors.

Overall, this summer is sure to be filled with tons of stinkers, but it'll still have lots of high grossing movies. I don't think there'll be many academy award winning nominations for acting or directing, but as per usual, expect lots of explosions, car chases, suspense, and sex on this year's movie screen.