Regardless, I'm pretty unsure as to how the whole thing will go. Obviously, I'll be in attendance, barring some Castaway type scenario, but beyond that all I have are some loose plans and ideas.
First off, I think I'd like to be fossilized. Why not? Humans have been burying their dead for thousands of year in such a manner that when we're all gone there's going to be this big fossil gap where humans are missing. So for the good of humanity, I'm going to look into getting myself fossilized.
Or at least frozen in carbonite.
Unfortunately though, according to this random unreferenced article I found, the chances of being fossilized are less than that of winning the lottery. Which makes me think that those damn dinosaurs were up to no good. In order to increase my chances of fossilization, I'm going to need someone *cough* YOU *cough* to buy me this book.
So, that covers disposal and placement of my corpse. Next I'm going to need a memorial service. Undoubtedly it will be attended by all the posh famous people and higher-ups of Europe and North America. Some Australians and Asians can come too, but nobody from South America, specifically Chile, is allowed.
They know what they did.
Since I'll be busy getting fossilized I won't be much help in setting up chairs and stuff for my memorial service. So I'll need the attendees to bring snacks and set-up. I believe I conscripted my journalism teacher Diane Nelson into brining the egg-salad sammiches. I don't particularily like egg-salad sammiches, but they've been at every single funeral I've been to so they're obviously some sort of prerequisite.
As for who's going to make the big speech, I have a great speaker in mind. I know this will take some serious phone calls, but I'll have the eulogy delivered by none other than Miss Cleo.
Remember her? Good times! After that's done the next half hour will be dedicated to listening to whatever mix-tape I had in my car at the time of my death. If there is no mix-tape then the entire gathering will commence the singing of the Oldsmobile Theme Song.
I know how I'll be preserved, my funeral is pretty much completely planned, the last touch will be having some awesome last words. I did some research of famous people's last words and here are some of the real shiners:
I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957
I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702
I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.
~~ Eugene O'Neill, writer, d. November 27, 1953
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900
All the good dying words have been taken. But being that my job is a creative writer I think I can whip something up. If you'll notice, all the best last words come from writers. I wonder if that's because they thought about their last words as well.
I'll definitely curse something with my dying words. How about: "Damn these clothes. They itch terribly." or I could go along the bizarrity route with "Don't cry for me. You'll just stain the carpet."
I'll work on it a little more before I die. Now of course in the event I get executed I'm going to need something completely different. By far, the things people have said before execution is much more interesting. Here's a few of those.
Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.
Executed by firing squad.
~~ Erskine Childers, Irish patriot, d. November 24, 1922
I love you.
Spoken to the executioner.
Executed by injection, New York.
~~ Sean Flannagan, d. June 23, 1989
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995
Capital punishment: them without the capital get the punishment.
Executed in electric chair, Florida.
~~ John Spenkelink, d. May 25, 1979
Aren't those great? The first insults the executioners with a final 'screw you.' The second is one that would probably haunt the executioner for the rest of his life. The third is something I would say; Positively dripping with bitter black humour. The last one, an epic 'Damn the Man' quote.
So I've got some serious work to do before I can die or I risk kicking the bucket without something epic to say. But otherwise, this funeral thing is all wrapped up!
Now, please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks such morbid thoughts.
5 comments:
your not morbid....I've been thinking all about my funeral since my brother died. its natural to think about how things are going to turn out.
i mean everyone has an expectation of how they would like their funeral to be....chance are your loved ones wont honor that wish....its one of the things i've noticed.
I would like to mummified, kept in a tomb, and be put on display. Lenin style.
i just want a mausoleum or maybe a pyramid in my honor. i don't think that is too much for my awesome contributions to life and planet earth. hardy har -- i haven't done bupkis that would warrant such treatment. i'll probably get buried in a cardboard box. or maybe i'll just have acid thrown on my corpse so that i melt away and don't take up too much space.
and cleo. i would love to have her present (or whatever you call it!) at my funeral too. but that was your idea so i won't steal it!
I don't know if I've ever thought about my own funeral... but I've certainly thought about my friends and family's funerals. I've woken up from a dream, where I've been crying and I can remember what my speech was and so I write the speech down and forget about it.
I write most of my eulogies in my sleep. I also write wedding speeches in my sleep too.
Cremation, ashes shot out of one of those CO2 powered guns they use to shoot t-shirts to people at events. No funeral, a few words, a playing of "You can't always get what you want", then bam! shot into the sky!
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