How I Became the Funniest Person in Grande Prairie

Last Night was the finals of the amateur Kokanee Komedy Night at the Great Northern Casino, where myself and two other comedy acts performed.

I'll make like a pencil and get to the point,

I won.

After three weeks or so of off-and-on work on my routine, talking to friends and family about what would be funny, writing and rewriting many jokes, and finally just deciding it was time to go balls deep, I was declared the funniest person in Grande Prairie.

I hadn't been so nervous about anything in more than three years since I first got behind a microphone on the radio. This went a heck of a lot better than that did too. All day long my stomach felt like it was tying itself in knots, and people were constantly telling me to chill out and just relax.

But finally, after I hit the stage, the headliner comedians who judged the competition had nothing but praise and really useful constructive criticism for my act and routine.

Plus, I had the support of more than a dozen of my friends who showed up to watch me perform. I really can't thank them enough because they were all a huge help in having me chill-the-F-out. Plus, more thanks have to go to my friends who helped me put together my routine.

Video footage was taken, and will be available to facebook friends at some point (hopefully later today) for everyone who wants to see my stage debut. I've also found a hack to embed facebook video on a blog, so check back here later this week to see if footage has gone up.

In the meantime, here's a couple photos of me on stage:

This is me pretty early on into my set

At this point I had removed my pants to make things more comfortable

And mom (and my family in general), if you're reading this, you probably won't want to watch my comedy routine when it hit hits the internet, because then you'll see me in male stripper underwear.

Thanks again to everyone who came out to see me perform!

UPDATE: AS PROMISED, VIDEO EVIDENCE



Cord Lund - Hard to Keep a White Shirt Clean

Bringin' it Back

I'm the first person to give kudos to those brave few individuals who are willing to bring back obscure and retro styles. But in some cases, it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

In particular when it comes to the toothbrush moustache, a.k.a., the Hitler 'Stash.


But, right out of left field, Micheal Jordan has started rockin' the toothbrush is some new Hanes ads!



I don't know why Hanes didn't have him shave, but I guess when you're Micheal Jordan, you get to do what you want.

So, do you think the toothbrush, with its colourful past, will be making a comeback with the help of big time celebrities?

May Long Weekend 2010

It's May Long Weekend in Canada, and I'm stoked to go camping!

I'm going to bring:

- Martinis (Bombay Sapphire & Rossi Bianco Vermouth)
- 36-42 cans of beer (Moosehead and Labatt Lite)
- 1 deck of cards
- 1 Sleeping Bag
- 1 Pair of swimming trunks
- 1 Package of smokies (not the cheese ones) and buns
- 1 Life-jacket for kayaking

And finally, since the weather got so fantastic in the last hour, I'll bring one item key to any camping trip in Northern Alberta:

- 1 pair of snow boots


Woo! Woo! Can't wait for soggy, wet, cold, camping!

UPDATE: 2:34pm LESS THAN ONE HOUR LATER...



UPDATE: 2:52pm ALMOST TWENTY MINUTES LATER...



Beastie Boys - Intergalactic

Weekend Vacation

This past weekend I took a trip out to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. It was wicked fun, and here's one of my favourite photos from the entire trip:

My friend McKay and I peeing into two separate rivers simultaneously in the town of Whitecourt.


Photo courtesy of Cale Neville, without whom we couldn't have captured this magical moment.

International Snack Time!

I received a package in the mail this past Tuesday from Texas...FILLED WITH SNACKS!


You see, I'd done a snack food exchange with a totally awesome friend in Texas. She sent me all sorts of goodies, and in return, simultaneously, I sent her lots of different chips and chocolate bars we have only in Canada (as well as maple syrup).

It was tons of fun thinking of things we only have in Canada and asking around friends to put together a wicked snack pack to mail down south. It cost less than $100 after all the food was bought and shipping paid for, which is a more than reasonable price for such a fun activity!

So here's some photos and reviews of things she sent me:






This was my first reaction to the Okra pickles. But they're actually pretty good! I really like them, the texture was a bit off-putting at first, which is what you see here, but otherwise, good stuff! Definitely try those out if you get the chance.

And don't ask me what an okra is. I have no idea.




These little guys, whatever they are, were supposed to be in several big pieces. But whatev! Of all the things I got these were my %100 favourite! They were like sugar coated fortune cookies, but way better. And get this, they were like 2 days past the due date and still crunchy and delicious! So sweet! I was quite loathe to share this snack with anyone, but because that much sugar does nobody any good, I conceded.





Speaking of way too much sugar, check out this fruit pie! It's like 1,000 jambusters all concentrated into one pastry. Imagine eating a can of frozen fruit concentrate, and that's what this little bomb is.

I had three bites before I went into diabetic shock.


Of all the things I was sent, this was the one that I had the biggest "WTF" moment at. Cheese crackers AND peanut butter? Madness!

Delicious though.


My Texas pal said that Twizzlers were slightly different in the states. She couldn't really confirm this though, and here's the verdict:

They're the same. But Twizzlers are good regardless, so I'm still enjoying them.


Finally, she also said Oreos were different. And they are in fact a little different. Not much, but definitely not exactly the same. I'd say they're less sugary than in Canada.

Anyway, there were some other items like kettle cooked chips (awesome) instant grits, and genuine iced-tea that I haven't tried yet, but I certainly will at some point.

Also, there's some jalapeno jelly and salsa that were both very good. The Hell on the Red salsa is a perfect amount of heat, and it's definitely going on tacos at some point.

I can't explain clearly enough just how much fun this was! All I can really say is, make some foreign friends and send snacks to each other!!! This was a great experience and I'm definitely looking forward to doing it again with anyone from anywhere in the world. This time around I have a better idea of what to send too, so things will only get better.

And there's a happy little after story about this exchange too. I mentioned that I did a Snack-Food Exchange on Reddit.com, and everyone there who heard about it thought it was a wicked cool idea, and have started an entire group dedicated to matching people up with each other from around the world to trade snacks.

If you're interested in taking part and having an easier was to find someone to trade with, just head to this website, you'll figure the rest out from there.

Happy Snacking!

Super Viral Brothers - Captain Cessna

Baron Versus Hammell Dance-Off 2010

So this weekend I threw down on a dance-off. I'm the best dancer there's ever been, so I want stand for it when some fool starts straight frontin'.

There's a few key elements to having a proper dance off though. First of all, is to dress like a real douchey asshole.

Check!

Learn some sick dance moves. As pictured here: Me doing The Robot:

Check!

Finally, celebrate your victory by boogieing with cougars.

Double check!

I claim victory as Dance-Off 2010 champion, but the results are contested as of right now. If anyone wants to challenge me though, I'll step up, but be prepared to get served.

What Did I Get Myself Into?

Last night I caught a performance of Ryan Stock and his contortionist fiancée at the local casino. It was pretty sick and twisted, the kind of entertainment that's exactly up my alley! The dude put a blow torch out with his tongue, balanced a running chainsaw in his mouth, performed an on-stage stomach pump procedure, played the recorder with his nose while beat-boxing, and much much more.


But the real highlight of the show came from yours truly.

After Ryan Stock's freak-show, the MC of the evening announced there was going to be a joke contest. Someone would get on stage, tell one joke, and by audience laughter a winner would be decided and win a $25 gift certificate. She was asking for takers, but nobody raised their hand.

Looking around, I decided, “This'll be a piece of cake!”

I shot my hand up like a 3rd grader volunteering in science class, and stormed on stage.

“Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?” I asked the audience.

“Why?” the crowd chanted back

“So people could read her lips!” I shouted, grinning like a mad-man.

A room filled with roughly 30 people all groaned at once. That “How can someone say that in public!” kind of groan.

Then the MC came back on stage, said “So nobody else wants to go?” and declared me the winner!

But wait, it gets better.

They brought me my gift certificate, and started asking me for my name and number; Because, as it turns out, by winning last night I had just qualified to do a 5 minute stand-up routine three weeks from now on the 26th of May for a chance to win $500.

I'm really on the fence as to whether I should do the routine. Five minutes of stand-up isn't as long a time as it sounds, but that could be embarrassingly tough! I'm sure I could slap something together in that time-frame, and a few of my friends are all for it. I've got a lot of funny life stories to recount and embellish upon, but I'm also tempted to do a Mitch Hedberg style routine. You know, witty one liners like:

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

So, should I do the routine? Shall I take the comedic plunge? Worst case scenario I get scared and pee myself on stage, and that'll only be humiliating til' I change my pants.

Digable Planets - Where I'm From

A Jive Talkin' Jingle

I have some awesome clients who let me make some really silly commercials. And as always, I play a little favouritism with those who let me make jingles.

With this one, I threw it together real quick, didn't have any real dope rhymes, and had to squeeze it all into 20 seconds. So the solution was to talk with some semblance of rhythm and pretend like I knew what I was I doing. I'm not a fan of the sound of my voice in this one, but hey, whatever does the job.

So to you I present: Eagle Painting – May 2010 Jingle



This is only like 70% done, but due to time constraints I had to put it to bed before I was completely happy with it. As it is, it's a nice clean jingle, but I'm gonna add some sound effects.

If anyone has a slide whistle I can borrow, that'd be wicked.