Fact: I'm always hungry
Fact: I love free food
Fact: I can put down a shit-pile of food.
I'm the king of eating in quantity, but it's not a talent I can often whip out on the average day. People see me and say, "Oh look, there's Jake! Goodness gracious, he's not very big. I think he needs to be fed more." They have no idea what monster lurks beneath. On the outside I'm a youngish looking twenty year old, but on the inside I'm a gastronomic champion of epic proportions!
Kobayashi ain't got nothin' on me
Now, as I was saying, eating isn't a talent of mine I'm often able to demonstrate. On a sidenote, I'm also very good at getting food stains on me. I pull that talent out at least once a day. Back to the main bit though. So being that I'm a bit of show-boater, you can imagine my delight when I'm asked to compete in a media challenge. This is where a bunch of the local radio stations, papers, and TV stations get together and compete.
The station I'm at is awesome for coming out and supporting the community. Convenietly enough I love going out and being paraded about in the spotlight. The more ridiculous the situation the better.
The challenge was this: An eating contest for St. Patricks Day.
Last year's contest was apparently one where they ate shrimp. To be truthful, I'm not a big fan of shrimp. I like them when they're breaded and deep fried, but not that raw stuff. To me it's like chewing on cold, slimy, rubber. So I was super pumped when I found it was going to be 'Green mashed potatoes' this year.
Anyone who knows me, knows that my diet consists almost entirely of potato products and rice. I love my taters. Everyone at the challenge seemed really surprised and shocked at this whole potato thing. I don't know why though, potatoes are delicious, and these ones were whipped.
I'll cut to the chase. I got up on a stage with three other competitors. We each had a coworker who was feeding us, they were blindfolded for interests sake, and a beer. The whole event got started off with everyone putting money into a 50/50 draw and betting on who would win. There was a newspaper, another radio station, and some firemen. There was probably about 5 or 6 people a piece making noise for the paper and the radio station. The entire pub erupted in cheers when prompted to revel if they bid on the firemen.
Then came me.
"Cheer if you think Jake from Big Country will win!" cried the man in the green hat.
I roared in approval for myself. I think there was maybe three people in the audience going with me. I know what everyone else was thinking. Little old Jake will never defeat that fellow with the belly from the newspaper. That other guy from the other radio station looks like he could bench press him! Those firemen won last year, and have a hefty appetite. How can he hope to win?
I didn't matter. I needed only my own applause. I was going to kill the competition. I'd eaten a great big roast beef sammich for lunch. I used giant slices of bread and half of my sammich meats and a lot of lettuce. My stomach was stretched. I even got the digestive system working just before starting by drinking a Guinness and having celery before competing. The others looked at me like "Why would he drink a Guiness? That's only going to fill him up!"
Ha! Fools.
We were all ready. It was go time.
that's me and my team-mate with the silly hats.
The crowd counted down. It was like waves roaring on the coast.
Now, as I was saying, eating isn't a talent of mine I'm often able to demonstrate. On a sidenote, I'm also very good at getting food stains on me. I pull that talent out at least once a day. Back to the main bit though. So being that I'm a bit of show-boater, you can imagine my delight when I'm asked to compete in a media challenge. This is where a bunch of the local radio stations, papers, and TV stations get together and compete.
The station I'm at is awesome for coming out and supporting the community. Convenietly enough I love going out and being paraded about in the spotlight. The more ridiculous the situation the better.
The challenge was this: An eating contest for St. Patricks Day.
Hell. Yes.
Last year's contest was apparently one where they ate shrimp. To be truthful, I'm not a big fan of shrimp. I like them when they're breaded and deep fried, but not that raw stuff. To me it's like chewing on cold, slimy, rubber. So I was super pumped when I found it was going to be 'Green mashed potatoes' this year.
Anyone who knows me, knows that my diet consists almost entirely of potato products and rice. I love my taters. Everyone at the challenge seemed really surprised and shocked at this whole potato thing. I don't know why though, potatoes are delicious, and these ones were whipped.
I'll cut to the chase. I got up on a stage with three other competitors. We each had a coworker who was feeding us, they were blindfolded for interests sake, and a beer. The whole event got started off with everyone putting money into a 50/50 draw and betting on who would win. There was a newspaper, another radio station, and some firemen. There was probably about 5 or 6 people a piece making noise for the paper and the radio station. The entire pub erupted in cheers when prompted to revel if they bid on the firemen.
Then came me.
"Cheer if you think Jake from Big Country will win!" cried the man in the green hat.
I roared in approval for myself. I think there was maybe three people in the audience going with me. I know what everyone else was thinking. Little old Jake will never defeat that fellow with the belly from the newspaper. That other guy from the other radio station looks like he could bench press him! Those firemen won last year, and have a hefty appetite. How can he hope to win?
I didn't matter. I needed only my own applause. I was going to kill the competition. I'd eaten a great big roast beef sammich for lunch. I used giant slices of bread and half of my sammich meats and a lot of lettuce. My stomach was stretched. I even got the digestive system working just before starting by drinking a Guinness and having celery before competing. The others looked at me like "Why would he drink a Guiness? That's only going to fill him up!"
Ha! Fools.
We were all ready. It was go time.
that's me and my team-mate with the silly hats.The crowd counted down. It was like waves roaring on the coast.
Three.
Two.
One.
Two.
One.
Eat.
And eat I did. Oh how I ate.
And eat I did. Oh how I ate.
I wish we had some better pictures, people were video taping and taking lots of photos. So I'm sure that I'm ten times more famous now than before I competed. But these will do! The giant meal included Mashed potatoes, a couple sausages, a big pile of boiled cabbage, and turnips. It was very Irish. I finished my potatoes first just like I would have back home, because I love my taters! Then the sausages, which were easy as pie, followed with cabbage which was super disgusting and finally I cruised to a finish with the turnips.
I was actually worried. I thought I was eating too slow. Too busy gagging on the cabbage. But before I knew it, I was done. Stained with the grease of victory. I had finished my entire meal before anyone else was even halfway through theirs. I dominated the competition! Even the favoured team fell to my mighty stomach.
I was actually worried. I thought I was eating too slow. Too busy gagging on the cabbage. But before I knew it, I was done. Stained with the grease of victory. I had finished my entire meal before anyone else was even halfway through theirs. I dominated the competition! Even the favoured team fell to my mighty stomach.
Fact: I love winning
Fact: I love St.Patties day celebrations
Fact: I love St.Patties day celebrations
Fact:
I
Kicked
Ass
I
Kicked
Ass
8 comments:
Hahaha. That's ridiculous.
BARF!!! ok, this is hilarious and i can pack away the food, but WOW! you were a house on fire.
congrats on winning. you are a hoot and i would have been cheering you on, for sure.
so really it was more a contest of how fast you could eat then how much you could eat. I could win that, I eat fairly quickly.
hahaha... food competitions are usually pretty gross but the fact that jake won doesn't surprise me.
If you've ever seen The Gluttonbowl you'll know what I'm talking about.
The Gluttonbowl is an annual food eating competition that is a super huge event!
In the competition I watched, there were a lot of morbidly obese people competing, and one tiny, rail thin Asian.
The Asian fucking kicked everybody's ass. He seemed to be swallowing the hotdogs whole!
I guess he did some sort of meditation and crap before competing and used his mind of matter kind of thing.
wondering if you had any fall out [pardon the expression] after the big gorge? hope you are doing well. you are too much.
and thank you for always stopping by and commenting on my blog. :)
To BC:
It was half how fast could you eat, and half quantity. Two of the contestants just couldn't finish. One may have actually tapped out. The only other serious contender were the firemen. I was neck and neck with them for the first couple minutes, but they slowed right down nearly to a stop.
But you, like me, aren't a giant man either. I bet you and I would have a fantastic eating competition.
Drollgirl: To be blunt, I didn't poop for more than 24 hours. And when I did it was...a lot smaller than I had expected. That and I feel fat. I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. Of course it didn't help that afterwards I went out for A&W and drank lots of Guinness.
Oh my!!! That is most certainly an accomplishment. Congratulations on being able to use that talent.
I do hope you gloated and rubbed the fact that you kicked their ass into those firefighters faces.
What a heart-warming, success of the underdog story!!
You make us soooooooooooo PROUD!!
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