Hammelltime Rooney

I know I'm not 1,000 years old, but some days I really do feel like Andy Rooney.


For those not in the know, he's the curmudgeon of CBS' 'Sixty Minutes' who comments on the most random things. In particular, how old he is. So to take a page out of the Andy Rooney playbook, here's a list of things I just don't understand.

Cash Back Rebates:
What the hell is a rebate anyway? That is to say, I know what it is - a refund on something you purchased - but why have them? If you're going to give a discount, just take the money off before I buy it! That way I don't end up paying taxes on it, and I save myself the cost of postage for mail-away rebates.

Electric Can Openers:
This is no more convenient than the manual one, and no faster. Not to mention the difficulty of it taking up counter space because you'll probably just leave it plugged in, and the fact that now you have one less plug in. My mother tried to teach me how to use one back in the early nineties, but it was simply beyond me why anyone then would want to something else besides the manual version, and the point still escapes me now.

Maybe once I'm 1,000 years old and my arthritic hands can't use the manual one I'll think about it. But by then all food will come in pill form so it's not a big deal anyway.

Post-It Labeling and Cover-up:

This is the just about the most useless stuff I've owned. I unfortunately use it on a regular basis due to a lack of availability of proper whit out. But believe you me, I'd toss this crap right out if I had my way. It's the same size as that roller white-out, but the problem is that it's less sticky, more noticeable, and looks ugly! Whenever I use it I feel like such a dork! I'll keep my post-it notes and white-out separate thank-you.

Why there's no cupholder in my car:

I drive a 91' Buick Century. It's almost as old as I am, and it's showing its age quite heavily. The interior though is in good condition, except for one thing. There's no cupholder. This really irks me, because I think it encourages me to drive recklessly. If I can't set my drink or Dairy Queen Blizzard somewhere I'm liable to have it sit in my lap or balanced precariously in my hand. Should it spill I'm going to be really distracted and probably cause an accident.
Who ever designed my car should have hot coffee spilt once for every time I've had to drive holding a drink.

Banana Flavoured Milk:

What the heck is this? What are bananas doing in my milk? If banana milk were meant to exist cows would swing from the branches of trees in Southeast Asia.

The little cartoons of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes peeing on stuff:

This is a little vulgar. I don't think I dislike anything enough for me to portray a beloved cartoon character peeing on it. And where do people find these things? I know they're not actually licensed merchandise, so there must be some sort of shady fellow who lives in the back of the Haunted House ride at a small county fair who sells them out of his trenchcoat.

That's about it for now. There's lots of other things I don't understand, but these really highlight the list. What do you personally not understand?