Suspicious Minds

I'm a little suspicious today. I got to work a little later than usual (which is still a little earlier than I need to be) and since I got here I've been a lot of strange sideways glances. Then as I was fixing my morning 'Cuppa Joe,' as the hipsters would say, when the news guy burst into the coffee room and shouted “Hi Jake! How are ya?”

This isn't anything particularly strange, but usually between us it's just a head nod and nice:

“How are you?”

“Good, You?”

“Good.” sort of exchange.

Then as I left the coffee room one of the salespeople mumbled something about “Jake's birthday...”

It isn't my birthday for another four or five months. Something's fishy, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. I can't let my guard down for a single moment.

If you have any warnings for pranks to watch out for, they'd be much appreciated.

PS: By the way, I already checked my back for notes taped to it, and my chair has been surveyed for tacks.

EDIT, APRIL 29, 9:10PM: So nothing happened. I guess I was just in a suspicious mood this morning. I actually had a really productive day. But something else weird happened. I was in the washroom with my hands dripping wet from just having washed them, and I was struggling to open a package of new paper towels As I did battle with an easy-to-rip perforated edge (I managed to screw it up) that same news guy burst into the washroom, saw me, and quickly blurted "I'll be back!" and bustled back the way he came in the span of like 2 seconds.

Perhaps the reason I was so up in arms all day was because the news guy just decided to play mind-fuck games with me all day.

Well, It worked, he got me good!

Delicious SPAM

When was the last time you read your SPAM Mail? It's probably been while, or maybe you''ve never looked at it at all. These days our email accounts are pretty good at filtering out the garbage that gets sent to us. But it still piles up in that little folder called 'Junk Mail.' Primarily what arrives is genital enhancement offers, fake jewelry sales, and weight-loss pills.

Who's buying this stuff, I have no idea, but obviously someone is sending money to the people who operate the robots responsible for spamming us.

And that's the problem; Robots are the ones spamming us. Maybe not actual robots, but computer programs with bad grammar and a poor understanding of English sentence construction. It's so bad in fact that it's actually a little funny!

Now and then, maybe every once in a couple of months, I like to take a gander at my SPAM for creative inspiration. Here's a few of the gems I picked out this morning.


This is a little blunt, and right to point. Just like the rod I'll use for doing 'her,' whoever 'Her' is. It's pretty vague about that point. But I'm really looking forward to her whispering 'You're the best" to me!

This is a lofty *rim shot* claim indeed. Besides my basement room, which has a pretty tall ceiling as it is, the main room of my house is like 12 feet! Having an instrument so large I could touch that ceiling with it would be a little awkward. Scratch that, It would be a LOT awkward, for me and her.

DAMN YOU GRAVITY! YOU HAVE RUINED MY DAY FOR THE LAST TIME!

Naked McCane eh? I'm sure they meant Senator John McCain. Which in no way, shape, or form entices me. Big points to SPAM for offering a completely different product though.


Yes, please energize my baby-maker! It needs more energy! And how on earth did Acqq know I named my baby-maker Ilavqkero?

Just read that and tell me it DOESN'T turn you on a little. 'Her nineteen years of governessship.' Oh man, I need a cold shower.


So you're telling me, Time Life, a well respected organization is sending me poorly worded SPAM? Yeah right! This one was so intriguing though, that I had to take a closer look...

Turns out that yeah, they're spamming me for realsies. I took a look, and quickly noticed this...


Hey! I bought that! I actually listened to it a little bit just this morning. So far as I know I'm not a free-spirited woman of the '60s. Screw you guys and your impressionable artists of the '60s. That must be why they did so many drugs. They were impressionable, and got peer-pressured into dropping acid.

Damn SPAM.

These are the Dave's I Know.

Please view this video, at least the first little bit, before continuing.



Yesterday I was chatting with coworker, and that particular song came up in conversation. Then I started to think...I do know a lot of Dave's. A lot more than other names anyway.

So these are the Dave's I know I know, These are the Dave's I know.

Dave Cannon: A Dave who used to live with my older brother back when they were in university.

Dave, Chelsea's boyfriend: Guess who he's dating... Chelsea! I used to go to college with Chelsea; We graduated in the same year. So I met him through her. I think they met online or something last February. Which means that they've been dating now for more than a year! Happy anniversary guys!

Dave, Suzanne's husband: Suzanne is the coworker who I was discussing the Dave Song with. I've gotten very drunk with this particular Dave, and also watched Mike McEwen, one of Manitoba's premiere curlers kick Alberta's ass at the Grand Slam of Curling a couple weeks ago. This Dave is a carpenter.

Dave Davies: The restaurant manager of my hometown's only restaurant. He makes delicious gravy, and shares a name with a famous singer from the 60's who sang the #1 hit 'Death of a Clown.'



David Riddell: My friend's older brother. He used to be in the same grade (maybe give or take a year) as my older sister.

Dave from Downstairs: This Dave lived in the downstairs suite of my last apartment building. He worked at the student newspaper with one of my old roommates, Naomi to be specific.

David Irwin: Back when I used to work with my father doing carpentry stuff, we did a couple jobs for Mr.Irwin, who lived in the next town over, Gainsborough. That's also the town where I was born. But don't tell anyone I'm a gapper. Big secret.

David Keam: President of The Best Sleep Centre Inc. He was my old boss back when I sold mattresses and mattress accessories. Super-smart guy, and he had an awesome business model for his stores. He treated buying a mattress like buying a car, and instead of just selling beds like "This bed is worth $3,000, but I'll sell it for $1,500" he sold them like "This bed is worth $1,500, and here's all its features from top to bottom and a half hour explanation how and why your bed works the way it does. Now leave my store with this checklist and try to find bed of equal quality for cheaper. You won't be able to, so I'll give you a free bed if you can."
Genius. I learned more about beds than I ever knew was possible. I'll do a week's worth of posts on how to buy a better mattress and get the best deal possible.

That's all I can think of, but I'm sure there are other Dave's I know I've forgotten all about. So, how about you? Do you know an inordinate amount of people who possess the same name?

Welcome to the Globetrotters Mr.Hammell

Here's another little known fact about me:

I'm a phenomenal basketball player

Okay, maybe not that great, but I'm definitely Harlem Globetrotter quality.

This is why last night when the Globetrotters needed some halftime entertainment and show of pure talent and skill, they called me.

Our radio station was having a contest with some listeners where during halftime at the Globetrotters game we'd have a shootout competition. The game was called horse or some nonsense.

So in order to get prepped for the game I did what I do best...

MAKEOVER!!!!

So that's me in my basketball get-up. I was ready for the game! No warm-ups required when you dress as snappy as me!

So I get to the game, and the Globetrotters are doing their silly basketball shenanigans. You know the ones, making baskets off their heads, hanging from the nets, poking the ref in the belly button. Stuff that would get you thrown out on misconduct.



My coworkers were all just lightly giggling and smiling, whilst I was standing up clapping loudly along with the crowd, jeering, booing, and generally having a fantastic time only reserved for kids aged 7 to 9 who meet Mickey Mouse.



Then some dancers came on and did a routine I personally didn't enjoy very much. If you want to hear more about what I thought of these girls, you can't because they have no sense of humour and their tweenie psyches don't handle criticism well. But because I'm nice I've taken down what I originally wrote regardless of how funny it actually was. Feel free to browse through the comments though, you can probably put 2 and 2 together! They all came in almost a year after the fact, which is the funniest part of the whole ordeal.

Now, back to the blog!



Then came my time to shine. My moment in the spotlight.
This photo isn't out of focus, when I'm on the court I move so fast I'm just a blur


Sorry that the photos aren't better. It's a brand new camera, and I handed it to my coworker without really explaining it at all. But you get the idea. In general I was looking extremely attractive.

True story: Following the game I went to a gas station and the 30-something lady working started hitting on me. I can guarantee you my awesome outfit was at least %70 responsible. I think from now on I'm never going to leave the house without sweatbands on.

Anyway, I basically just Hammed it up *giggle* because the idea was to let the contestants win while putting on a good show. I did some awful throws, didn't make a single basket, and generally made a big goof of myself.

The ball handlers were loving it and having a great time watching this amazing piece of man meat play. At one point I 'accidentally' dribbled right into one. In fact, I did so bad, the Globetrotters manager took my teammate and I aside afterwards and said to her,

“Girl, you gotta give this boy some lessons!”

to which I interjected with,

“What are you talking about? I was amazing!”

He smiled knowingly at me, as if to say,

“I know son, you WERE amazing. We'll be calling you next week to join the team for the final leg of our tour. Welcome to the Globetrotters Mr. Hammell; You've made it.”

AZ It Happens...

In my cruising around the blogosphere, I've found another activity to participate in. And the best part, it's all about me!

Gramatically Delicious' blog had this posted a while ago, and I've decided to do it as well. Describe yourself from A to Z. Which I will now do.


A - Apples. I can't stand apples. I'll have nothing to do with them, or any apple related products. That includes Apple Juice, Apple Pie, and Minneapolis.

B - Bread. I like whole wheat bread, not white. Because as you know, the whiter the bread the faster you're dead.

C - Coldplay. Coldplay sucks.

D - Ducks. I remember back home when we used to have ducks. A male and female (I know a male is called a Drake, but I have no idea what a female is). The male was a big jerk, and one day the geese we also raised had enough of his guff and beat him to death. Before this happened his only son was hunted down and devoured by a kitten. His wife survived through a winter and disappeared. The last time I saw her she wandered into the yard for a bit and was promptly chased back out again by the geese.

I like to think she ran away with another drake and found happiness. But she was probably eaten by a coyote or something.

E - Eggs. I only like them scrambled. And truth be told, I've never tried them as an omelet. I like to be able to see all my food and have it in separate piles. Not all hidden and folded over so it's a surprise when you bite in.

F - Fun-loving. I like having a good time, and can't stand people who are serious all the time. That's probably why I'm not still in the news business. Everyone except for the sports casters are so serious ALL THE TIME, and I don't like sports very much so I didn't like hanging out with the sports casters.

G - Gold. I've never really understood why gold is so valuable. You can't eat it, and it's not as useful as iron or copper, and yet that is what we base our currency on? Madness.


H - Hair. I used to shave my head all the time. Most people can't believe my driver's license picture where I'm stark bald, but now I have too much hair. It's long and shaggy, and slowly turning into a Kurt Russel mullet.


Also, everyone says I look like I'm 12 or 13 years old! Here's a true story, last Friday I was recording a client's voice and the guy looks at me and says, with true sincerity, "Do you even have your driver's license?"

Yes buddy. I do.

Long story short I'm getting a haircut.

I - Iris'. Iris colour was a subject Gramatically Delicious mentioned on her A-Z entry as well. I have no idea what colour my eyes are. My drivers license says green, and I remember once upon a time when I was much younger and thought they were blue. But now? Who knows. They're some sort of green+possibly blue+yellow. This is always an issue when people ask about my eye colour.

J - Jacob. My real name is of course Jacob. All my paycheques read Jake though, and I think the cheques I write out for rent do as well. I remember being called Jake back when my dad used to take me along to his friend Lyle's house when they would have beers. Jake-the-Snake they would call me.

K - Kool-aid. For years I called this stuff 'Freshie.' I just did a little research, and as it turns out Freshie was a drink mix alternative in Canada to Kool-aid in the 50s to 80s, which is when my parents were young'uns. So I think this must be a carry-over effect that my mother probably imprinted upon her children.

As per usual, just blame your life problems on your parents and everything is fine. I once told my mother that all parents give their children horrible neuroses that they have to deal with in later life. She didn't believe me. Now I have trust issues.

L - Lemons and Limes - These form 2/3 of the only fruits I eat.

M - Magic the Gathering - A geeky card game I love to play. I only had the computer game for starters, but in time I managed to get some cards to play with. While other kids were getting into Pokemon (although I still think when that was the rage my age group was too old for it) I was into Magic, the strategically superior card game.

N - Naps - I love naps.

O - Oranges - The other 1/3 of fruits that I eat.

P - Pringles - I used to love these things, but now I can't eat them. Too processed.

Q - Queen Elizabeth - The monarch whose health I drink to when I can't think of a better toast.

R - Rosser Ave. - The street that the mattress store where I used to work was on. Thursday nights were 'Cruisin the Dub' which is when all the sweet looking classic cars would drive down Rosser Avenue by my store window to showoff.

S - Sammiches - I love a good sammich. I know it's spelt and pronounced sandwich, but that's lame, and has the word SAND in the title. This of course makes me uncomfortable.

T - The Thule Society - I love tv shows and movies that involve The Thule society, a Paranormal Nazi group. It's like war movies crossed with the violent fantasy genre. Good stuff.

U - Umberhulks - A Dungeons & Dragons creature. They made an appearence in Baldur's Gate 2 (great game) and I couldn't beat them so I cheated. I made my character super amazing and destroyed them. But it was like The Ring of Power, I meant to turn my character's power back down but once I had tasted the sweet delights of cheating I couldn't go back. I finished the game with an amazing character, and didn't earn my just rewards.

Damn Umberhulks.

V - Verizon Wireless - Can you hear me now? Yes. Yes I can. Now quit your lame marketing before I stab you in the mouth.

W - Wilford Brimley - Every day during summer vacations I would watch the Price is Right. Who wouldn't? Anyway, Liberty medical would have their commercials and there was this one where Wilford Brimley would ride up on a horse talking about how "I got the Diabeetus, and I check 'ma bloodsugar, and I check it often and you should too."
Here's a good one with Wilford working hard in the iron forge:



X - Xavier - He was my favourite character in Eternal Champions, a fighting game on SEGA Genesis. I think this character is responsible for why I like fighting games that characters with sticks. Don't be perverted.

Z - Zaboombafoo - I never ever watched this show, but I have a vivid memory from grade five about the name of that program. I was in the town hall basement rehearsing my lines during practice for a town play. There was another kid, let's call him John, sitting across from me. I don't remember what led up to it, but I recall him excitedly yelling

"Zaboombafoo!"

to which I replied, "What is Zaboombafoo?"

That's it. End of memory. I think he tried to explain it to me, but the concept of it was beyond me. Besides, I was a Popular Mechanics for Kids fan. It's the show that Elisha Cuthbert (sooo hot) got her start on. Even though she wasn't very attractive back then, I've had a crush on her ever since.


EDIT, APRIL 21ST, 2009: It was just pointed out to me that I skipped the letter 'Y.' Why is this you ask? Because until the letter Y makes up its mind as to whether it wants to be a vowel or a consonant it can stay the heck out of my A-Z description.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

Here's a photo of me meeting the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band last week after their concert in Dawson Creek, BC. (I'm the short guy)


It was a little like being shuffled through a cattle chute, and John McEuen (the bearded man) was really quiet and sat down as soon as the picture was done. Whenever anyone said something to him he just nodded and stared. It was a little creepy.

Dream Festival

So, let's say you can put together an entertainment festival and have whoever you want to be there. The rules are this:

-The people you have perform or appear must be alive. Elvis cannot come, neither can Audrey Hepburn or Buddy Holly. I guess if you wanted to you could set up a tent with mummified corpse of some celebrity. That's pretty god-damn weird, but hey, it's your festival.

- If you want a band to reunite for a big show, that's fine. Feel free get ABBA back together. But if the band has any dead members, they obviously won't be present. So forget about getting the original Sublime or Queen to perform.

-You can have anyone, from a band, to a comedian, to whatever you want, to perform. Heck, you could have three days of straight Cirque De Soleil if you wanted.

-This is a three day festival, so do whatever you want. Just a music festival? Fine. Just a motorbike show? That's fine too.

-You have to give your festival a location and a name.

Here's how my festival would go:

It would be the...

Hammelltime And More Festival

Which would be abbreviated and called HAM-Fest. It would be a music, comedy, and beer festival. It would run during the first weekend in August near Winnipeg, Manitoba. I figure if I put it there it'll draw more people from across Canada, and still be in a good spot for Americans who'd like to make the drive or the flight.

It's also an all-ages event, but all youth must have supervision at all time. Anyone who looks young and is caught without a parent or gaurdian will be put aside and kept in a safe place. All parents who bring kids in will be tagged so that if you're found shirking your parental duties or the little snot ran away HAM-Fest security will find you.

Ages 16 & up can carouse the festival freely, but anyone under age caught on drugs or drinking will be kicked out. I'll be damned if HAM-Fest get's shut down because of underage drinking.

Anyway!

Throughout the three days it would run, in the central area there would be a big tent for teh beer gardens and where smaller bands would play. There would also be several smaller tents, and all day every day there'd be Canadian Beer tasting. Moosehead Lager would be HAM-Fest's primary sponsor.

Day one for music and entertainment would be strictly Canadian content. Jian Ghomeshi from CBC Radio's Q would do a live broadcast with lots of guests (He has eyes like an Arabian Prince, so he will attract many women to the festival)
I'm not sure what guests he'd have for his show, but this would be a show where he has lots of TV and Movie celebs on. There'd sure be some good'uns.

The bands and musicians you'd see that day and night would be:
- Sam Roberts
- Joel Plaskett
- The New Pornographers
- Barenaked Ladies
- The Tragically Hip
- The Headstones

Throughout the day for Comedians you'd get to see be Brent Butt, Dave Thomas, a live taping of the CBC show 'The Debators,' and much much more.

Day two would have a giant national lacrosse tournament.
There would be about four fields of play all going at once so the tournament could get finished up before the big bands got going, and in case you've never seen a lacrosse game, trust me when I say it's wild. It will definitely be a highlight of the HAM Fest, and the temporary stadiums we'd have up would be packed.

Get your seats early!

Day two would be lots of classic rock, to match the theme of Rock'em Sock'em Lacrosse

The bands and artists that would play would be:

- Def Lepperd
- Guns N' Roses
- Journey
- Phish (They're sort of classic rock)
- Heart
- Motorhead
- Judas Priest
- Steppenwolf
- Kansas

And that's about it for day two

Day 3:

HAM-Fest BMX and Skateboard competition.

All the kids are big into that stuff, so we'd have a great big BMX run and a skate park. There'd be lots of "Gnarly Crashes" and "Grinding" done here. Big names at the event would be:

- Tony Hawk
- Corey Bohan
- Tim Wood
- Shaun White
- Anthony Shetler

There would be many than this, but those are the only ones I know offhand.

The last day would be one for the punk and alternative crowd. You would be treated to bands like:

- Dropkick Murphies
- Against Me!
- Reel Big Fish
- CAKE
- Eve 6
- Everclear

And then that's it! HAM-Fest is over. Rioting ensues.

Minor details include that throughout the festival there would be a lot of ham products available for everyone and lots of smaller bands would be there too.

The Future of HAM-Fest:
Despite wild success and huge profits, there would be no further HAM-Fests. People felt that the first one was so good it would prove impossible to top HAM-Fest 1. That was until the year 2061, when HAM-Fest in Outerspace was held. The mosh pits were so huge they destroyed three space stations and a small moon orbiting Saturn.

So, your three day festival, what events and performances would you have?

Review: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

It's been a while since I updated my reading list, and I've actually read three books including the one listed right now, but they weren't exactly prize picks, and not anything I'd recommend. Plus one was from the seventies and had a lot of Zero-G sex, which was a little awkward to read about.

But, this one, 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' by Mark Haddon was great!

It starts off with Christopher, a young autistic boy who discovers his neighbors dog speared to the ground with a pitchfork. The dog's owner calls the police on Christopher, and when they arrive and attempt to arrest him he hits the officers.

This results in charges of assaulting an officer. Christopher decides to investigate the murder of the dog, and things quickly spiral out of control as he discovers clues and asks questions.

That's the basic summary. It's written from a first person view, so while you're reading you discover clues and live through the triumphs and tribulations of a high functioning autistic boy. It's really fascinating, and would be a good read for anyone interested in psychology and the function of a human brain.

It's also very quirky. All the chapters are numbered in primes, (1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13 and so on), and here and there smattered throughout will be simplistic drawings. Christoper has a hard time filtering out background information, so he'll look at everything at once and describe the feeling of information overload he gets. This leads to parts of the book in which Christopher often goes off on tangents completely unrelated to the current situation about subjects like Malaysia or Faerie Hoaxes.

Not only that, but it's written very simplistically, literally like a young boy might write. Every detail of this adds to realism of the book, making it really seem like a novel that an autistic boy would write. He even includes the arguments he holds with his Teaching Assistant, Sioban, about the content of his book.

All in all The Curious Incident was a book which was easy to lose myself in, it's not a hard read, but still intellectually enjoyable. There's absolutely nothing I can say negative about it from a writing standpoint.
As per usual I find that the biggest problem I had with the book was the end. With most books I find they're either too short, or too drawn out, or don't summarize in a satisfactory way. This book also has that problem, I feel like it wrapped up too quickly, but I do give it big points for having what I would call a 'satisfactory' ending. Without giving it away, it was one that wasn't happy, but far from sad.

I'm not sure what my problem is with books that have happy endings. I'm a pretty optimistic guy. Anyway...

Overall, I give The Curious Incident

9/10

It loses one point for having a poor summary. It was still a good ending, but it could have been more. Otherwise, it was a fun, laugh out loud, clever, witty, and all-around enjoyable read.

I will recommend this book to anyone who likes books about people with disabilities. I haven't read much about autism, and I've never even heard of a book that puts you in the shoes of an autistic youth, so this was really a wild ride from start to finish.

Squishy Shoes

I have a problem. One that I'm embarrassed to admit, but it's time I finally came out with it.

My right shoe makes a squishy noise when I walk.

I have no idea why, they're not damp, my feet aren't excessively sweaty, and yet this shoe squishes day in and day out, hour after hour, rain or shine.

Overall, I'm pleased with overall performance of my shoes. But the squishy noise would have been a deal breaker had I known about it. They were an $80 pair from Aldo's, and look similar to this style:

Except that the dark leather parts are white, and there are four stripes. On the topic of stripes on my shoes, I like there to be four stripes. Three is acceptable, but four is best. It's a nice even number, and the first non-prime number. Ever since about grade nine I've had a fixation with having shoes that resemble bowling shoes. I guess I'm just a stripey shoe person. But then all the other kids jumped on the bandwagon and suddenly my shoes were everywhere. I hate it when that happens.

Anyway, all my shoes have had some sort of noise problem ever since grade 9. My first pair of Stripers (that's what I'm going to call the design) made this weird rubber squeeking sound. Sort of like when you bend and curl one of those balloon animal balloons, but it only happened when I walked on ceramic tiles, which unfortunately was an entire wing of my school, so everyone could hear me squeeking down the hallways.

My second pair were too big because I got them expecting my feet to grow some more but they never did. So I ended up having shoes that curled up a little at the end and squeeked not when I walked on ceramics, but rather, smooth cement. This was unfortunately the entire mainstreet of my hometown. So once more everyone could hear me squeeking along mainstreet.

Then that second pair got some dog crap on it and the smell never really came out. I was in college at this time and so I went home and got my old pair of stripers for a while. Somewhere inbetween I managed to find a new pair almost identical to the dog crap ones. I quickly purchased them, nobody noticed the transition.

That last paragraph was confusing, I know. But anyway, The third pair squeeked whenever I walked on smooth floors. Which was, once again unfortunately, MY ENTIRE COLLEGE. The nights when I was staying late working on editing projects I would saunter through the halls hearing my footsteps echoing off the walls. But at least a lot of classrooms I was in had carpeting, so I didn't squeek absolutely everywhere.

Then I bought the pair I have now. I've worn them for almost a year now. Like I said, I'm pretty satisfied with their performance. The rubber grippy things on the back wore out pretty quick, but I was putting about 5 miles a day on these shoes when I first got them, and they were just meant to be casual shoes for men with better fashion sense than me to strike poses with an indifferent look on their face in, so that's to be expected.

The leather has held up really well, and I've gotten these things SOAKED before. They're getting a bit grungy, but they're not bad. I'm actually enjoying the loff of the worn leather.

But I really dislike this strange squishing noise it makes. Since day 1 they've been squishing. I don't know if everyone can hear it, or if it's just me. I've lifted the sole to take a peek, and there's nothing there, and the leather and rubber is sealed pretty good, so I don't know where the squish is coming from! Worst of all, it does it everywhere I walk, not just on ceramics or cements, but EVERYWHERE. I notice it more on carpet, but it still squishes everywhere else.

Anyway, if there's any shoe experts, please tell me, why does my shoe squish?

Youthful Vigour

Being that I live in a house full of people, there's not a lot of time for me sit and watch what TV shows I want to see. Not there's ever much on that I really think is worth my time. Monday nights at 7 are when I watch Heroes, and Wednesday nights at 7 as well are when I catch Lost.

Otherwise I'll probably be caught watching the documentary channel, IFC, or The Antiques Roadshow. If you ever hear me talking about how young I am it's a lie. Inside there's a 50 year old man with rickets burning to escape.

So TV sharing being what it is I'll generally sit an watch whatever is on TV with my roommates because my roommates are %80 female, that usually includes a lot of fruity dramas. But I'm not too picky about what it is I veg out to. Except for Gossip Girl. Oh man can I not watch that show. I leave the room the second that program is turned on. I tell you, if I were a good looking, rich, well-to-do young buck in highschool I would definitely not be associating with crowd from Gossip Girl.

One thing I hate about highschool dramas isn't the plots, the logical fallacies all the characters make, or the campy message they secretly convey, it's the actors.

Who in the world decides to hire these 'Teens' for these shows? For example:
Sophia Bush as Brooke Davis in One Tree Hill. A gorgeous twenty seven year old woman playing a seventeen year old student! Seriously! Does that look like a seventeen year old to you? I know sex appeal hooks a young audience, but couldn't they pick someone a little younger? Are you telling me there's NO attractive 18 or 19 year old actresses?

Here's another one:

Benjamin McKenzie as Ryan Atwood from the OC. Really? How many chains is FOX trying to yank by telling me this guy is REALLY in highschool? If that's true then I graduated from kindergarten just a couple years back.

And oh man, here's the worst one in my book:

Danny Masterson as Steven Hyde from That 70s Show. In fact, the entire cast of That 70s Show outside of the first season or two looked too old to be in highschool. Interesting fact though, the girl who played Jackie was 16 when the show started.

Here's a show that cast the age group of their main characters extremely well according to their character's age:

The cast of Freaks and Geeks, a show about a group of grade 9 freshmen, and grade 11 or 12 year old stoners.

Freaks and Geeks is probably one of my favourite programs of all time. It was just so well done! The characters were great, the stories were hilarious, and it's probably really good family viewing. Unfortunately it suffered from being jerked around by NBC and was cancelled after one season. They tried to revive it and produced an extra three episodes, but it was to no avail. Luckily though most of the cast has moved on to bigger and better projects. If you like anything at all with Seth Rogen, James Franco, or Linda Cardellini in it, or that is directed or produced by Judd Apatow or Jake Kasdan, you definitely should check Freaks and Geeks out.

So in summary, I'm sick of getting ID'd everytime I try to buy liquor. Do I really have to sport a five o'clock shadow like those actors make people believe I'm not in Highschool? Do I look that young? I know, I know, I should probably revel in it before that fifty year old man with rickets bursts out of me, but I'm tired getting carded!

Yeah, this blog took a real surprise twist. How old were you when you stopped getting carded, or do you titter with joy when someone asks for ID?

Problems while Peeing

One of the most harrowing problems a man has to deal with is the urinal. Sure ladies, peeing while standing up LOOKS like it's all fun and games, but in reality, it's a deep psychological ballet that requires both wit and guile to make it out of alive.

The rule when taking a leak is to do your best to stand at least one urinal apart from the guy next to you. It's an unspoken rule that all men follow. When stall space is limited you use every other urinal to be courteous. If you were to install a camera in a bathroom you would be guaranteed to see this in action.

Standing next to a dude when you can stand apart at a urinal makes you gay.

There's nothing wrong with being gay, but this is literally the mentality of the urinal system.

I don't know what the rule is though for ladies. I'd assume it doesn't make any difference since you have the option of using the toilets while being protected by a impenetrable steel cage.

Now that I've laid down the basic framework of using a urinal, I'm going to ask for your help in solving a real riddle.

In Brandon, Manitoba there is a certain bathroom that is laid out like this:

Anyone who has been in this bathroom may recognize it. If not, here's a hint: It has a hand dryer that blows like a god damn jet engine.

One evening while choosing to relieve myself I came upon this conundrum.

One fellow was already using the urinal at the end. So I had a choice of three to use. One was obviously wrong.

Had I chosen to use that one I would have been gay. So it was right out.

That left me with the option to use one of the two urinals, both which were equally right to use, but both of which were equally wrong. I opted for the one on the end. It seemed to be the most obvious choice to me.

The other guy peeing was actually friend of mine and since we finished at exactly the same time we sparked off a lively debate on the subject of which urinal was correct. He said I should have chosen the other one, since the general rule is use every other urinal, starting with the guy who lined up first.

But I disagreed, since the bathroom is laid out so strangely, and he was using the oddly placed urinal, the rule was moot. And besides, lining up closer to him wouldn't have made a difference anyway. Because if another person had lined up with us he would have to stand next to one of us regardless.

(Just so you know, if there's no other option but to stand next a dude it doesn't make you gay, you just have to pee)

So I field the question, which option was more correct? For me to stand here:

or here?

I. Love. Drama.

EDIT JUNE 9, 2009: I buried this hatchet quite some time ago, and have since realized I was pretty hot-headed about the following post when I put it up. I've since realized that the certain girl who got me all worked up is a pleasant and delightful young lady.

But I decided to leave this up because it's pretty funny. So Roommate #1, if you're reading this, it may be embarrassing, but you were comedic GOLD!


Everything you read here is based on a true story. I wish I'd have had a tape recorder out at the time because the whole event was priceless, but I don't remember exactly what was said. All dialogue is pretty close to the actual event though.

Last night the entire household EXPLODED with drama. Confrontations that had been simmering suddenly blew the lid right off the pot all at once. Let it be stated that I love these kinds of confrontations. Not the "oh my god, Billy is dating Tanya" type drama that happens in Degrassi, I mean the real life stuff off of reality television. I don't watch reality TV much though, because I'd rather be embroiled in the issues first-hand.

So here's the people involved:

I live with four ladies and a dude. I will specify them by numbers:

One: A bible thumping Prima Donna with a bible thumping boyfriend. The boyfriend's name is "N."
I realized this morning that she isn't passive-aggressive like I previously thought. I'm the one who's passive aggressive, she's just a repressed bitch.

Two: A young lady with some of the same nursing courses at college as the Bible thumper. She's a very fun young lass.

Three: A girl from Dawson Creek (yeah, a town with that name actually exists), she's awesome. I have the best time playing Playstation with her. We generally get along quite well.

Four: Dates the only other guy currently living with us. She's very sweet, and I enjoy watching The Gameshow Network with her.

Five: The only other guy living in this household. His name is Cale. He and I see eye to eye on most issues.

Various houseguests: There was four of them, but only two really matter. One I will call W because he is from Winnipeg, and the other I will call S, because his name starts with that letter. S actually lived in the same house with all these people before I did, and moved out sometime before I got there. He will be moving back in come May.

Okay, so Roommate 5, house guests S and W, and I were drinking and playing card games last night. We were being loud. I admit this.

Quick interlude to explain the noise factor. After all the drama happened Roommate 3 comes into my room and tells me we were being loud. I wholeheartedly agreed, and told her she should not EVER hesitate to tell me, or anyone else in this house that we are being noisy. In fact, I think I've told everyone in the house this. I really do need to be put in my place or I'll just push boundaries.

You have to be responsible, and respect everyone else's wishes when they ask you. Unfortunately in this instance we really were being too loud. But anyway you have to tell someone to straighten up if you think they need to smarten the hell up.

But whatever you do, don't, I repeat, don't, burst all at once in a big cloud of rage.

Now for the meat of the story. The Explosion.

Roommate #1 walks in with her jackass boyfriend at about 9:00-9:30. Nobody cares, we're drinking. She tells us to quiet down, which as I recall we did. We turned it down from eleven to like eight. W says something along the lines of "We're drinking here!" and #1 replies "I'll throw out of the house if you don't shut up." and she leaves and goes to her room, which is right underneath the kitchen we were drinking in. So we keep drinking, thinking we've toned it down.

Roughly around 10:30, her boyfriend, 'N' comes up and says "Girl One has to work at four in the morning. So quiet it down"

W, who is a large man says, "Don't worry about it, we'll be out soon."

"She has earplugs in and can still hear you. So no, you'll be out like now, don't even flex at me"

The look of astonishment on W's face was priceless. Like this guy was going to throw down over some noise. W replies "Ha Ha, whatever we're out of here." And gets up and goes towards the door.

We have a brief discussion about where we could move the party to, and just as a decision is being reached...

Roommate 1 bursts into the room

She's in tears and says "I've taken two Gravol and I have earplugs in, and I can still hear you!" Then she looked at Cale and said, "Don't even smile at me, you're a waste of a man, you can't even give your girlfriend what she wants."

She turned her head and glared at me, "And you get drunk all the time, and you're always too loud."

Fact: I drink all the time. But I'm not drunk all the time.

Fact: Tell me to be quiet, And I will. That's the rule. I understand it.

She also turned around and threatened to throw W out of the house again, just for good measure I guess. He was actually putting his shoes on right by the exit at the time.

So I just smiled at her and giggled.

Then she launches into a huge tirade about how noisy the house is all the time and how she can never sleep.
"If you don't quiet down," she said menacingly "I'm seriously going to call the cops."

I couldn't take it anymore. Opened my mouth and started to argue with her.

Me: Listen #1...

#1: Don't even talk to me! You're drunk!

Me: Don't you know alcohol makes people more truthful? This is a great time for me to talk to you!

#1: ...

Me: Why don't you just tell us to quiet down if it's so noisy all the time? We're all adults, and you pay rent here. That's your TV too over there. Just turn it down if it's too loud.

#1: I shouldn't have to!

Me: How do I know if I'm being too noisy? I think that most times I'm pretty quiet. I don't turn the TV or my music on loud. I can remember only once when you told me to quiet down. And then I did. Do that more often if it's such a big issue.

#1: But I shouldn't have to!!!

Me: And if it's so noisy in your room, why don't you move to another room? I believe that one is opening up at the of the hall at the start of May when Roommate #3 moves out. It's much quieter there than your current room.

W then told me to quit arguing. Good idea. I'm an excellent debater and can go for hours, especially when I'm drinking. There was lots more dialogue, but I remember those ones because they were legitimately good arguments.

Then the whole house silent. Under the cruel unblinking eyes of #1 we silently picked up our cards, put away the empties, wiped the off the table and went to bed. Behind me as I was departing for my room Roommates #2 and #4 came out and started telling off #1. #1 had dragged in all the other housemates who weren't present during her tirade, and they were not pleased.
She even said that girl #3 (who wanted to watch America's Next Top Model) was too afraid of us to tell us to be quiet. I don't think she was, I think she was just more pissed off that we were being noisy and couldn't watch it on the big screen TV. Instead she watched it on the little set downstairs. Something I've done as well when things are too noisy.

After the argument I typed this out:

Another thing that camne up was my painintg. I like to paint. It's something I do as a hoppy for shits and giggles. #1 compained about how my painitning took up half the table when I did it. This was seriusly the first time I had hheard about it. This past week, I left iut up because I meant to get to it. But I didn't. I knew it was a problem. I really did.

But am I really? I'm less than a year older than her. She's nnto exactly a world traveller, she's not even that prolific in the community. Hell, I'm entered into a an art contest , I'm courting lasses, and I'm into communiyty events outside of the the tightly controlled a dance arts community.

That's not even coherent. Hopefully my arguing made more sense than that. I'm not courting any lasses, and I'm not entered into an art contest. Apparently I get delusions of grandeur when I'm drinking.

Anyway, I haven't seen her since, and I'm really dreading it. Well, maybe not dreading, but I know it'll be awkward. I plan on saying something like this:

"I want you to know you can talk to me and boss me around. That's what good roommates do."

That should do the trick! Then everything will be better, and I can go right on being obnoxious and noisy. I think I'll buy a drum kit to play outside of her room.

I'm contemplating moving out now, but rent is so cheap where I'm at right now! One the one hand, I'll have to continue living with a horrible bitch and her lame boyfriend (who doesn't pay rent but basically lives with us. He takes up fridge space, which angers me).
But on the other hand, as I mentioned before rent is cheap. That dude S will be moving in too, and we're pretty much destined to be best friends. I know this because when I walked into the house yesterday I happened to be wearing my Darth Vader shirt. When he turned around and was also wearing a Star Wars shirt. So obviously we HAVE to be buddies.

Maybe she'll move out and solve the problem for me, that's really the best case scenario. Especially since her jackass boyfriend likes to talk about how much money he has and what houses he's planning on buying.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. Next entry will be shorter, less about drama, and more about the awesome things that I do.