Pan-demic!

Tuesday was a real roller coaster of emotion for me. I hit highs and lows in my life that most people have to take drugs and go through multiple jail and rehab visits to achieve.

I'm looking at you Charlie Sheen.

The Co-op grocery store has had this promotion going on for the past two or three months where you get one sticker for every ten dollars you spend at their store. You collect these stickers, and once you get a certain amount, you'll get free pots and pans.


I was gunning for 50 stickers, the lowest amount, because I don't consume a lot of groceries. So for me $500 of groceries over a two month period is pretty realistic. What I was going to get with my stickers was teeny tiny one-egg frying pan. It'd be quite useless, but it was the principle of the thing.

My coworkers however got wind of this and said that they'd start pooling their stickers into mine so I could get a sweet pan. I already had 40 stickers of my own, and the numbers were quickly shored up all the way 90, which meant I could get a sick-ass stir fry pan.



I was elated! Finally, I'd get a free pan of my very own. Obviously it was also ten bajillion times better than that crappy one egg pan.

I put the sheet with all the stickers on it in my pocket, safely tucked away, and waltzed to the grocery store with a joyful disposition reserved solely beautiful sunny days when everything is going your way.

“I'll just pick up some groceries before I get my free pan.” I announced to myself.

I got all the essentials to make some tasty tacos for dinner that night. I could hardly wait to start frying up the hamburger meat (I bought the good stuff too) with my new pan. I rushed through my shopping list, eager to claim my prize and go back to work where everyone could bask in the glory of my hard earned skillet.

I cued up in line, and started to pat the pocket in which I stowed my stickers.

“Huh, that's funny...” I remarked. The pocket seemed to be empty. I quickly checked my other pocket.

It wasn't there either.

“Uh oh.” I frowned. I started patting my pants all over, madly searching for the wayward sticker sheet.

“Shit shit shit!” I cried aloud, at which point an old lady frowned at me.

I sighed loudly. I was just going to have to accept the fact that I'd lost all those stickers. Everyone at work had helped me collect them, and I'd buggered it up. What was I going to tell them?

I trudged back to the radio station, groceries in tow, head hung low.

“I lost the stickers.” I admitted to my fellow writer Raj. “I don't what happened, they just disappeared.”

“What?!” He shouted “How could you do that!?”

He quickly called his friend who happens to manage the co-op and asked her to keep an eye out for it. Meanwhile, I was moping in my office, looking at my second sticker sheet. It only had ten stickers. There were only two more weeks left to get stickers and cash in on a free pan. At that rate, I wasn't even going to get a crappy one-egg frying pan.

But then something amazing happened! Raj's friend found the sticker sheet! Some good Samaritan had found it in the grocery store, and turned it in to customer service! I expected it to be long gone, especially since it was worth a brand-new pan, and anyone could have cashed it in.

So I strode back to the store, and excitedly waited in line.

Then the cashier said “Congratulations, you just got your free pan.”

And then that night I made the best tacos ever.


The End.