Cell Phone Abuse

I have a few weaknesses in life. My 'Kryptonite,' or 'Achilles Heel' if you will, seems to be hot tubs and cellphones.

This year I've had the good fortune to be able to go hot tubbing on a regular basis, especially since my friend bought a new house that came with a tub of his very own.

Unfortunately though, I'm really really bad with cellphones, and I've been on a real heater this year of destroying my cellulars. Since January I've gone through three different phones, most recently this past Saturday night.

Here's they all kicked the bucket:

Cellphone #1 – After having my first ever cell-phone and taking good care of it for a little over a year, I came home one day needing to do laundry. So I ran downstairs quick as I could to the laundry room, threw all my pants in the wash and said,

“I have nowhere to be this evening, so I'll just wash these pants I'm wearing as well.”

I promptly tore my jeans off and threw them in the washing machine, put the detergent in, and turned it on.

“Ha ha!” I exclaimed, rubbing my hands together in joy, “All of my pants will soon be clean and smell bright as a spring bouquet of flowers!”

So I went upstairs in my underwear and after a delicious meal of cold and soggy leftover Kraft Dinner, I proceeded to call my friend. This turned out to be quite difficult as my cellphone was currently in the process of being thoroughly cleaned with inexplicably filthy pants (I swear, I'm like an 8 year-old child sometimes. I just seem to be able to get dirty no matter what)

Cellphone #2 – I had been invited to a hot tub party, and I said to myself just before taking my shirt off and starting to mix martinis,

“I'm going to leave my cellphone right here, inside the house, so I won't damage it.”

But sure enough, one bottle of gin later, my friends are telling me to get on the phone and start inviting more people to the hot tub.

“Shurrr, no problem!” I slurred “I'll jusht go get my shellulalar.”

This time, my cellphone stayed clear of the water, but after a while we lost track of it, and just assumed it had fallen off the deck.

In the morning however we discovered my phone sitting on the ledge of the hot tub. It had been sealed in when we closed the lid , and left it to a cruel fate of slowly being steamed to death. Needless to say, it fried.

Cellphone #3 – There's no witty reminiscing here. I just just flat out got drunk and didn't empty the pockets in my board shorts. Now the screen is filled with water, and with the addition of a few small plastic fish it would look exactly like this:


I really need to just leave my cell phone at home since staying out of and away from hottubs isn't an option. Perhaps, I should invest in one of these bad boys:


Not only is the Sonim XP1 waterproof, but also bullet-proof! If anyone tried shooting me in the ear while I was talking on the phone they'd be in for nasty surprise!

Anyway, while I wait for a new phone to get to me, I guess I'll just enjoy doing my old classic move, using everyone else's phones and telling people to just call my friends if they need to find me.

If you can't find me, well screw you. I didn't want to talk to you anyway.