Being a Hater

I hate apples.

I mean I really dislike them. I'll have absolutely nothing to do with the common Malus domestica. It comes up all the time though. Even yesterday when I went to a friend's house for dinner they were serving up apple crisp and I had to explain why I didn't want a slice. It got the usual reaction too,

“You don't like apples? Why?”

This is followed by looks of incredulity and some cajoling at my behest to try the dish. In the end I settled with eating the ice cream, which was delicious. Why would you ever wreck a bowl of ice cream by adding apples to it? Blech.

I'm not sure where this comes from, I do recall in the heady days of my youth actually eating apples and enjoying apple juice. Then something snapped and I've been disgusted by them ever since. Can't stand the look, the taste, or the smell of them. I especially hate the sound of an apple being eaten. I can hear it now and there's a cringe of disgust across my face.

Anyway, on Friday I was asked to voice an ad. That's nothing out of the ordinary, so I walk into the studio and am handed a short ten second script. Guess what it's for.

British Columbia Apples. Cue the barfing.

I looked at the producer, and said “Are you serious? You know how I feel about apples.”

“Apples?” she replied, “What's wrong with apples?”

“I'll have nothing to do with them! That includes apples, apple juice, apple pie, and Minneapolis!”

“But I need a voice for this commercial! You have to do it!”

“Fine...” I conceded. This is my job after all, and I need to be grown up about it. I made a single caveat though, “But I'll only do it if you can't find someone to replace my voice before it goes to air on Monday.”

Here's two audio clips. The first is the final take in which I read the ad in one go:



The second is the actual recording session in which I struggle and fight to spit out every filthy apple stained word.



Man I hate apples.