Take the Bitter with the Sweet

DISCLAIMER: I KNOW EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT TASTES IN MUSIC. THIS IS JUST ME, AND I WON'T JUDGE ANYONE FOR LIKING ANY OF THE FOLLOWING BANDS, NO MATTER HOW BADLY THEY SUCK.

I work at a radio station as a creative writer. My job is to write and produce ads every day for a plethora of clients ranging from furniture, to Honda lawnmowers, to street festivals and everything in between. It's a fantastic job, but there's one problem.

The music can really suck sometimes.

I'm in a one-station building. This is getting to be a rare thing these days in radio, especially when you're located in what's considered to be the geographical boonies like me. Lots of stations across Canada (and I'll presume the US as well) have two and even three stations in the same building. In Brandon, Manitoba there's a building with 2 radio and 1 TV station.

Anyway, because I'm in a one-station building the station PA system is locked on only our station and it's always playing country music.

There's nothing wrong with country, and a lot of it I really do enjoy. But I can understand why some people say country music makes their insides curdle and die. Personally, I'm a classic country man. John Prine, Johnny Horton, Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, that's where the good stuff is. But there's some decent new stuff too. I'm a big fan of Corb Lund and Johnny Reid.

But like those of you who can't stand country, I feel your pain. There are a few singers and bands with songs that make my ears bleed. Here's a select few:

Sugarland – Life in a Northern Town

This song is crazy popular, and I have no idea why. It's a cover of a Dream Academy Song, which isn't even that great in its own right. After a year of listening to this band sing this mostly nonsense song it still gets requested every day. Today I was doing some filing and this was playing. I just about strangled the nearest person to me in a fit of rage. More than 50% of the song made-up gibberish!

Want to read the lyrics of the chorus? I'm not even kidding you here:

Ah-hey ya ma ma ma, into the night-ah
Hey ma ma ma, hey-ay-ay-ay, ah
They shut the factory down
Ah hey ma ma ma ma

Yeah. Seriously. They repeat that a good ten times more. Great work ripping off the easiest possible song to sing Sugarland, you sure showed that children's choir of 4 year-olds how to sing one heck of a gibberish song.

And I already hated Sugarland enough as it was. Back when I was On-Air I'd take out every single song by this band that I saw. I didn't care that it was AAA material, the stuff that everyone wants to hear, for the sake of making sure my blood pressure didn't drop dangerously low from the torrent of crimson rain jetting out my ears, I had to take those songs out.

Continuing along my musical rampage, here's another country band I hate:

The Roadhammers – Homegrown

Here's a song about how the band isn't banging floozies while they're on tour, but instead saving themselves for the floozies in their hometown.
Thanks Roadhammers! I really needed to know that. I will gladly invite you into my home to meet my daughters any day of the week.

Just kidding, you're just about as bad those bums in Sugarland. In this song they insist on repeating the same stupid, high pitched crap over and over. I'm all for country music about women, booze and cornfields, but this song is terrible.

If I hear you play this song one more time Roadhammers, you're outta here!

Rascal Flatts – Everything ever sang by them ever.

Kill. Me. Now.

Oh goodness do I hate this band. Words cannot even begin to express just how badly I want to rip the lead singer's, Gary LeVox, throat from his body and feed it to a herd of starving pigs. This guy's voice instantly fills me with hate and rage.
And not only that, but the Rascal Flatts are so DEPRESSING! You know what one of their most popular songs was about? A girl with cancer. Fine whatever, but what really cooks my goose is they don't even finish the story they're telling in the song. Just sort of leave it about 4/5 of the way through and end the song.

Oh how I hate you Rascal Flatts. I really enjoyed throwing your songs into the garbage along with Sugarland's.

You know who wrote depressing songs but still had a good time about it? The Barenaked Ladies. That's who. And their lead singer was fatter, funnier, and liked to drugs more than you ever did Gary LeVox!

Lisa Brokop – Shakin' Up

Blech. This is bad of me to say, but the ratio of good female country singers to bad ones is pretty out of whack. I'd say it's like 1:5 of good to bad. I don't know why, but some chicks just can't sing country. No hard feelings girls, but maybe you should look into rock or pop or something else instead.
Lisa Brokop is one of these women. I think my biggest problem with a lot of these songs is that they repeat the same lame lyrics in the chorus over and over again in a whiny voice. This one has it bad. Real bad.
You know what Lisa? Maybe try a more difficult song, you're a real talented lady, but you have no creativity. Quit singing about moving in your boyfriend and write the next love ballad or something.

Jo Hikk – Sweet City Woman

Here's the history of this song:
Jo Hikk walked into a studio one day, looked at his producers and engineers and said,
“Hey Guys! I just had a great idea!”

His producers look at each other, blink, and then stare at Jo.

He could hardly contain his excitement, “Know that song Sweet City Woman by The Stampeders?”

“Of course Jo.” His chief engineer replied. “It was one of the most popular songs in Canada during the 70's. It won single of the year in 1972.”

“I know!” exclaimed Jo, “So let's do a god awful cover and make millions!”

So said Jo Hikk, and so it was. A fantastic song was covered, and now gets played every day on dozens of radio stations across the country. It's truly truly awful. The original was great! What a classic tune! But Jo Hikk had to ruin that for everyone. Such a travesty.

So those are the songs I can't stand right now. I'm sure there's more of them, but these are the worst offenders.

I have to add though that I'm getting pretty darn sick of the constant 'Feed Jake' jokes. Ha Ha guys. Real funny. I haven't heard that one before.

Anyone else who has to listen to terrible music all day is encouraged to vent.