You're Rubbish.

Once again the city of Grande Prairie needed some real celebrity power for their special events. This past Sunday I was called upon to be a judge in an honored and venerable competition as old as the human spirit itself.

A karaoke contest

I strode into BJ's Q-Club and Sports Bar where I was immediately accosted by several dozen women craving my attention and wanting my favour for the contest.
"Away with you harlots! I am the judge and I will not be swayed!"
Okay, so there was only one woman, and she wanted ID because as you'll see in this photo:


I looked like I was about 16 years old. I said I was from the radio station and she let the issue drop. Good thing too because I don't have any legal picture ID right now. Anyway, I sat around with a friend for an hour drinking and eating fries, and then it was time for the judges to take their spots.


Blah blah blah, some singers were embarassingly bad, others were okay, and a couple of them really blew the roof right off the building.
Here's a list of things of things that myself and the other judges were looking for; For future reference for any of you who are going to be in a karaoke contest:

- Be able to sing your damn song! Don't go up there and plan to read the screen. It's not amatuer night dammit! Although technically every time someone sings karaoke it's amatuer night.

-Look at the crowd once in a while, play with them. Make some girl's heart flutter by pointing at her. Make some guy's...wait...no. I think you all know what I was going for with this tip.

- Move around during instrumental interludes. The one thing people did that made me want to die a little was when their songs would take singing breaks and do instrumental solo parts, and they'd just stand around and tap their feet.

Could you be any more boring?

Play some air guitar or something. It's a silly contest, have fun! The worst that could happen is someone will get a good laugh out of it.

- Dress appropriately. Nobody lost any points for dressing badly, because that's not what the contest was about. But I figure that if you're getting on stage you should at least try to put something nice on. There was this one girl who was a little bigger, and she just didn't dress well. She looked a bit like a sausage. This picture doesn't do it justice.


Okay, so that's it. Us judges were pretty much unanimous in our decision as to the top three, and scored everyone almost the exact same.

It was between this black guy who sang like Frank Sinatra, and was a pleasure to watch sing. He handled the microphone really well, and the got the crowd involved before starting to sing. BIG points for stage presence!


And this country boy who had a distinct Toby Keith/J Geils Bands feel. He was fantastic, and got the all the ladies screaming. He won by a really close five points difference ahead of the black guy.


So that's that, another Hammelltime exclusive! The bar owner liked my judging so much that he invited me down to judge a bikini contest next month too!

Hell. Yes.