New Age Horror

Last Wednesday night I sat down with my roommates and watched the movie 'Mirrors.' starring Kiefer Sutherland as a recently retired cop who has taken on a job as a night security guard in an eerie burned out mall.
The movie was awful. I can honestly think of only two decent scenes worth watching in the entire movie, and one of them was the ending. I don't mean that in the way that 'The Usual Suspects' was a good ending, I mean it in such a way that it was a good scene, not that it really added much to the story.
Anyway, Kiefer was just ridiculous. Way too mood swingy. One thing I will give this movie kudos for though is that for a horror movie, it didn't have much screaming. I can't stand movies with lots of characters who scream non-stop.
Overall, forget about 'Mirrors.' Save yourself the money, or go rent something like Pineapple Express. They both require the brain power of a small child to watch, but one is legitimately funny, while the other unintentionally so.

Here's a good picture of everyone's favourite lovable drunk: Kiefer Sutherland.

When it comes to horror movies, I'm generally disappointed. Never have I gone out and said "Let's rent a horror movie." No single preview has ever enticed me into a theatre or blockbuster, nor do I waste my time downloading them when my internet can be spent stealing better things.

In fact, I can't say I've really watched that many horrors. Children of the Corn, The Omen, Evil Dead 1 and 2, Army of Darkness, and Signs (if that counts) are the only ones that come to mind. Half of those movies I've only watched because Bruce Campbell rocks. Come to think of it, I've seen pretty much everything Bruce Campbell has done. He should be in his own genre.

Heck, his jawline could be its own movie genre.

Here's a list of Time Magazine's top 25 horrors:
25: Shaun of the Dead (2005)
24: Red Dragon (2002)
23: Audition (1999)
22: Braindead/Dead Alive (1992)
21: Men Behind the Sun (1988)
20: The Fly (1986)
19: Alien (1979)
18: Halloween (1978)
17: Carrie (1976)
16: Jaws (1975)
15: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
14: The Exorcist (1973)
13: Night of the Living Dead (1968)
12: Blood Feast (1963)
11: Black Sunday (1960)
10: Psycho (1960)
9: Peeping Tom (1960)
8: Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
7: Diabolique (1955)
6: Bambi (This one is a little out of place 1942)
5: Freaks (1932)
4: Frankenstein (1931)
3: The Phantom of the Opera (1925)
2: Nosferatu (1922)
1: Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat (1896)

You'll notice by looking at this list that only two horror films that made the list have been released after 2000, and one of them, Shaun of the Dead, barely counts. I saw that movie. I own that movie. It was great! But I would not count that as a horror.
From that list actually, I've seen three of them. Jaws is a legitimate horror movie. But in today's day and age I don't think it has the same effect as it did on audiences in the 70s. So I think it's safe to say that horror movies in general have sucked since about the mid 90s. What can be done to save an ailing genre?

Here's the deal, more than any other genre (with the exception of 3D), horror movies are selling an experience. You watch a horror to feel scared, to be terrified. Your body goes through a chemical change when you're scared. But like any drug, the more you get it, the more desensitized you become immune to it. Movies these days are trying harder to be more outrageous, more ridiculous to scare their audiences. They're going to continue to do this for many years until finally the Snuff genre is legalized. (Not really though, I'm exaggerating)

When I watch a scary movie I don't get worked up. My heart doesn't beat faster, I rarely jump, and I never walk away saying "that movie was great!"

Here's why:

I've been spoiled rotten by shit that actually will scare me

I'm a computer gamer, and I've played a lot of games. One of my favourite genres: Horror. I know, this seems like a complete contradiction. How can Jake, a guy who doesn't care for horror movies, love horror games?

Well, as I mentioned before, the horror genre is an experience. You can sit on your couch and watch the movie happen. Watch as things go on. Or you could play a computer game and have that same stuff happen to 'you.'

A film/game hybrid that I played many many times was 'Nightmare.'

It had this creepy-as-fuck guy here called 'The Gatekeeper'.

Yeah, he looks normal now, but keep reading. Wait til' you see what the bastard looks like at the end of this post. *shudder*

I remember when my sister and I made our little brother play it with us. He got scared and cried. To this day he can't play scary games.
Anyway, back to the story. I can't completely explain the feeling of a scary game versus a movie, but if you've played one, then you know what I mean. The feeling is far more intense, that shit really DOES make me jump, gets my heart pumping, and puts me on edge. Far more than any movie ever has.

The computer game actually puts you inside the Horror Genre, which if you're after the most realistic experience, next to a haunted house. you're not going to get any closer.

In particular, two titles that I think really take the cake are Undying, a tale of an war-veteran-turned-paranormal-investigator. The overall story, while good, isn't anything that phenomenal. It's better than most horror flicks, but it's no Great Gatsby or anything.
The next one is F.E.A.R., it had innovative gameplay mixed with a spooky demon child story. Once again, the story was nothing new, it had a sweet twist, but it was nothing phenomenal. But the experience of these games and the story made for a winning combo.

There are dozens of horror flicks that would have just as easily made excellent games, but flopped because they were... well... shitty. I really do think that the gaming industry is the future of the horror flick industry.
It's really easy to make a 'Roller Coaster' title, which is essentially a game that plays itself out with minimal effort on the part of the gamer. It's heavy on the cinematics, some DVDs come with these games in their special features. Disney does a lot of these. It would be something similar in feel to a 'Choose Your Own Adventure.' With kids familiarity with technology these days there isn't a single reason why this idea wouldn't take off. Yeah you'd miss out on the technologically disinclined 35+ crowd, but if their kids or teens want to see this movie, chances are parents will take them and try to enjoy them with their demon-spawn children.
If they keep turning out some gimmick for a new game combined with (what would at best make a mediocre film) a decent story, they'll keep making money and keep a happy fanbase of people who are pissing their pants in terror.

In the end, isn't that what anyone really wants?

Oh, and here's what that scary asshole looks like at the end of Nightmare.

Yeah, like I said,

Creepy. As. Fuck.

Gnarls Barkley -
Who's Gonna Save My Soul?


I apologize for the subtitles. The music video is too good to pass up sharing because of some shmutz on the video


FEB 22, 2009, I apologize for the video of thee from this particular week not working. by far this is one of the best VOTWs I've posted, and Gnarls Barkley knows it, so they don't like their material to be on Youtube. Here's a link to Google Video
http://video.google.ca/videosearch?q=who%27s+gonna+save+my+soul&hl=en&emb=0&aq=-1&oq=#
to see the video that you MUST see